by Pete Puma

Here, in the U-S-of-A, we're comin' up on Memory Day.  For some assholes, that means the start of summer.  It's when all the douches with shit-tons of moolah start rentin' houses in beach towns and whatever, wearin' banana racks in the surf, and lettin' their kids run around all over the place, ruinin' everybody else's good time with their annoyin' yellin' and generally douchey bullshit.

 

 

No, dude, dude, dude...you look totally cool, dude.

For cool dudes like Butch and me, it's the one weekend of the year when we think real hard about important shit that's happened in our lives....the crap that's made us the pictures of awesomeness that we are.  When I think of all the shit I've done that's made me awesome, it always comes down to one day, the day that started a lifetime of goin' balls-deep in a mountain's worth of cooch...the first day I gut-packed a broad.

Chink-chicks visiting vagina mountain.

It was a coupla months into the school year, Butch and I were 14, in Mrs. Arceri's fifth grade class.  We were all linin' up on the hot lunch line.  Butch and I were bullshittin' about bench pressin' Mrs. Arceri's gargantuous titties, just bein' the awesome kid-dudes that we were.  I reached into my pocket to grab some green for one of those rubberized burgers with the meat-boogers you have to pick off before you start chewin' the fuck out of it.  And guess what?  You got it, dudes.  I didn't have shit in there except one of those gay fuckin' hand exercisers that make your fingers into chokin' machines.

I didn't have a single fuckin' bill.  Turns out, Butch only had enough for a coupla Ho-Hos and a warm, crusty chocolate milk, so he wasn't much better off.

So, I walked up to glass and put a tray down.  That's when I saw her: the new lunch-lady.  You know those bitches who don't look like much when you first see 'em, but then, after talkin' to 'em for a second, you know there's somethin' about 'em? ...somethin' sexy and shit?  Somethin' in their eyes?  Well, this lunch lady had all that in spades (no offense to black dudes or nothin' - you homeys are cool and shit).  When I locked pupils with that bitch, I could tell that second that she was a fuckin' sex machine.  So I adjusted my junk a little to make my new boner look as big as I could, and then she says to me, "Whaddya want, shit-for-brains?"

She was like Amy Winehouse hot...Butch wanted me to tell you that he had nothing to do with the photo editing on this pic. That's MY weak-ass shit.

"Heya, momma," I said, "See, the thing is, I forgot my lunch money today, or whatever and I was hopin'."

"You think if I had any money, I'd been workin' this piece of shit job starin' into the dumbass eyes of a bunch of little cock-suckers?"

"Hey, don't get all bitch on me, momma.  I don't need to shit to..."

"Hold on a second, Franco," and that was it...That's when I knew this bitch was gonna be all up on my shit...cause she was talkin' about that short dude from Pumping Iron and she could tell I was built like a fuckin' brick outhouse or whatever.  "I think we can work somethin' out."

There's our little buddy, next to the troll-fucker on the right.

Next thing I know, I've got a tray full o' "food" and this bitch is whisperin' somethin' in the cashier-lady's ear, and that bitch is wavin' me out the door like I don't have to pay and shit.  Butch and I sit down out in the lunch room and start tearin' up all the fuckin' food and then I move the plate and see some weird-ass note there:

Yeah, I kept the note.  Fuck you.

Well, I was pretty sure I was gonna get my dick wet in that bitch's gash anyway, but that shit confirmed it or whatever.

So, 4 o'clock that day, the school's like a fuckin' ghost city or some shit, cause everybody's gone...or that's what it seems like or whatever.  I knock all gentle on the door and that shit comes whippin' open, lunch-lady grabs my muscly forearm and yanks me the fuck in the door.  Bitch is almost totally fuckin' naked, wearin' all sorts of frilly underwears or whatever.  Then I see the creepy-ass janitor standin' there with a broom in one hand and a big-ass betamax camcorder bullshit in the other.

"ACTION," she screams in my face...way too fuckin' loud, by the way...but it smells like vanilla and coffee booze, so it's okay.  This bitch starts tearin' away my clothes and before I know it, I'm standin' in the middle of the cafeteria kitchen butt-fuckin' naked with this drunk-ass lunch lady pantin' like a rapid dog and the rapey-lookin' janitor tapin' the whole thing with a tiny little bulge in his grimey fuckin' work jeans.  Shit was sick, dudes.

But I'm the kinda dude who goes with the flow or whatever.  So I start goin' to work rippin' this bitch's frilly girlie underwear off and I'm doin' all the shit I read about in my uncle's old Skank Poke magazine, railin' on her real good, flippin' her over, pushin' her down, and she's totally lovin' that shit.

[Hey, dude...stop spankin' it...I'm tryin' to tell a fuckin' story here.]

So, I'm just about to bust the biggest nut in the history of bustin' nuts or whatever, and this bitch reaches behind her and grabs this big vat of mayo, pushes me out of her snatch, and has me goo all into that vat of mayo.  Then she reaches her hand in, mixes that shit all up, licks her hand clean, and puts the vat back where she found it.

"That's a wrap," she says.  She puts her clothes back on, grabs the janitor by his crotch, and leads him the fuck out the door.  There I am, butt-naked, in the school cafeteria with my cock all wet and stinky, totally alone.  It was the most beautiful moment of my awesome life.

Never did see that bitch, or eat tuna salad in a cafeteria again.  She musta quit or some shit, but the creeper janitor was still around, winkin' at me every fuckin' time I walked by.  That part was a little weird.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

 

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