By Pete Puma

Lotta bitches and douches look at my shit online and they're like, "Dude! Everything you do on the Internets is fuckin' awesome," and I just tell 'em that bein' awesome in real life transposolates like a motherfucker into your online shiz.  From my Twitter, to my Google+, to my Facebook, there's no doubt I kick some major fucking ass.

But I'll tell ya somethin': I've met a lot of total cunts in person who have some cool mojo goin' down online or whatever.  So, what I'm sayin' is that, even if you're queen-mother of all twat-rags in real life, you might actually get some traction on the Internets...and I'm gonna give you a few tips on how to get that ball rollin' in an awesome direction.

1. "Check In" Wherever You Go - I don't give a fuck if you're usin' FourSquare, Facebook, or Google, dudes.  You GOTTA let people know where the fuck you are, especially if it's somewhere awesome like the gym, or GNC.  If you don't have a smart-as-shit phone, or you don't know what I mean by "check in," you're a faggot.

Looks like somebody checked in to your mom's cunt.

2. Make Sure Everybody Knows When You're Going To Bed - Assholes, especially bitch-type assholes, can't get enough of knowin' when you're gonna call it a day.  Make sure you say somethin' really funny and clever and shit...somethin' like "So tired, dudes. Goodnight."  That shit, by itself, is enough to get you some hardcore online buds.

Sweet dreams, faggot.

3. Chicks: Post More Bra Pics - Ladies, don't worry about the fact that we dudes are constantly on the Internets watchin' videos of pro skanks gettin' double-fisted while blowin' a Clydesdale.  Those pics of your big, droopy, flapjack tits in a push-up bra could keep my cock hard for another coupla weeks.

4. Dudes: Send Chicks You Don't Even Know Dick Pics - Nothin' says "I care" more than a message with a dick-pic nobody asked for attached to it.  Babes aren't gonna give your ass the time o' day without seein' what you're packin' in your Jockeys first.  You gotta understand one thing about chicks: all they care about is what you look like, and what your cock looks like.

This bitch is totally worked up or whatever.

5. Totally Post Every Cool Thing You Do - Look, douches:  No one's gonna realize how awesome you are unless you tell 'em how awesome you are.  If you do somethin' cool, or somethin' kickass happens to you, you gotta let EVERYBODY know.  "Personal best on the bench, bitches!  Kickin' ass and takin' names.  Booyah!"

"I totally just blew the fuck outta this sax. W00t!"

6. Post Your Horrorscope - The only thing better than tellin' douches what awesome shit happened to your ass is tellin' people what awesome shit IS GONNA HAPPEN to your ass.  It's a good convo starter for your hardcore fans too.  If I had a fuckin' dollar for every awesome convo that started with one o' my fans respondin' to one of my horrorscopes with somethin' hilarious like "Whoah, Pete, you better watch yourself TODAY!"  God, I'd have, like, I dunno, a coupla more Muscle Milks or some shit.

"Today, you will ride some freaky swimmin' bull piece of shit through an ocean."

7. Call Everyone Who Disagrees With You "Faggot." - If you wanna be "the balls" online, you gotta make sure assholes know you're not gonna take shit from anybody.  It's about respect, motherfuckers, and nobody likes a sissy, cause nobody RESPECTS a sissy.  If you say somethin' and some cunt disagrees with your ass, you gotta call 'em "faggot" and say some other shit about 'em gettin' ass-stabbed or whatever.  Roar like a lion, dudes.  Don't meow like a pussy.

8. Send Invitations to Events, Even If They Don't Exist - One cool thing about Facebook is that you can send out invites to events and shit.  Make sure you create an event at least every week and invite every friend you've got, even if they live like 10 bazillion miles away, or if it's somethin' that's never even gonna actually happen.  Nobody'll probably go anyways, and it'll make you look like you got some shit goin' on, even if you're really just sittin' in front of the TV jackin' it to Ice Road Truckers or whatever.

9. Call Out Unfollowers/Unfrienders - If you're gonna be a big-wig online, you gotta act like one.  If some cunt unfriends or unfollows you or whatever, you gotta post somethin' real public-like about 'em...Let 'em know that you found 'em out and that you think they're a real douche-wad for doin' it.  That'll send a warning to anybody else who's thinkin' about doin' the same thing.  Let those fuckers know there's consequents and shit.

10. If You Have Kids, Make Sure You Post Somethin' They Said Or Did AT LEAST Every day. - If you're stupid enough to have kids in the first place, at least use 'em to make your ass more popular online.  You gotta tell everybody what awesomely funny shit they said.  "Wearing a thong today.  10 yo just told me that my butt looks like a wheelbarrow full of cottage cheese!  ROFLMAO. OMG. W....T....F!!! LOL."  That shit's comedy gold, assholes.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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