by Pete Puma

Anybody who's met my swami knows that he knows as much about bangin' hotties as I know about suckin' dicks...which is NOTHIN', douche-rockets.  I mean, sure, I've thought a little about how I'd slobber my own if I could, but that shit doesn't count.

Anyways, he's been seein' some amazon bitch for about a week now, and all of us dudes at The Rip House Gym've been doin' a little Magnum P.I. shit, tryin' to figure out if this bitch is fer realz.  I mean, she's like 5 foot 13 or some shit, and she doesn't really walk like any slut I know.  So, I've put together a list of ways to figure out if your girlfriend is actually a dude who had her cock turned inside out and pushed all up in her guts to make somethin' like a cunt.

1. She's a Good Driver - Every dude knows that even a shit-faced drunk dude can drive better than any sober bitch.  Thing is, it's hard to see your chick drivin' if you're a real dude...cause no self-respectin' stud gets in the passenger seat when he's headin' somewhere with his slut.

Strong work, ladies.  You're pigs...but at least you're female pigs.

2. She Can Catch and Throw - When you're just sittin' around watchin' a strongman contest or some shit, wing a ball at her face.  If she doesn't catch it, you're safe.  If she does catch it, you might be bangin' a dude.  Then, if she throws that shit back at your mug and it's not some kinda fairy toss, you've totally been screwin' a dude.

Marcia was all woman.

3. She's Totally Not Into Foreplay - Every dude knows that bitches like about an hour and a half of touchin' and feelin' and lickin' and grabbin' before you get to pack her guts.  If your bitch likes to get right down to business like, all the time, she was totally born with a full set of man 'nads.

Congrats, dude. You're probably not about to lick an inside-out cock.

4. She's Not In Any Family Photos, Just Some "Brother" You Never Hear About - Bitches love to show you pics of themselves as little kids, so you can tell 'em how cute they were and shit (even if you don't like bein' reminded that the chick you're cockin' used to be a fuckin' kid) .  If none of her family photos have her in 'em, just some dude she never talks about, you're bangin' that missin' bro, bro.

Your girlfriend's the second in from the left.

5. She Only Gives You A Handjobs From Behind You - If you were a dude who had his cock shoved all up inside himself, you'd prolly miss that shit...and you'd miss jackin' yourself too, I bet.  Chicks who miss their cocks are gonna wanna stroke that shit like it's their own.

I'm not too crazy about either version, to be honest.

6. Her Tits Shrink When You Take Away Her "Vitamins" - Chicks who used to be dudes don't have the whoremoans to make a decent rack.  They need to take pills to make that shit happen...and when they don't take 'em anymore, those babies shrink down to like nothin'.  Replace her "vitamins" with somethin' that looks kinda like 'em and see what happens.  If she starts lookin' like a 10 year old girl, you've got a problem on your hands...unless you're one of those sick anglofiles or some shit.

Somebody forgot to take her astro-gin.

7. Her Inside-Out Dick-Twat Feels Like Sandpaper - Now, I've fucked some super-skinny anor-exit chicks who made bangin' feel like dickin' a sandy beach or a bag of oats, but I'm guessin' that a tranny's dick-cunt is probably way worse.  If your bitch has to hock a loogie on her twat before you can sink your porksword in 'er, there's a good chance that that's not a pussy at all.

Fucking a beach is a lot less fun than this fag's makin' it look...I'm guessin.

Keep on Pumpin', dudes!