How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Dyking Out On You

How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Dyking Out On You

by Pete Puma

I was talkin' to Huge Klaus the other day while we were liftin' mega-massive weights, and in the three milli-fuckin-seconds between sets, he told my ass that he thinks his girlfriend may be munchin' some rug on the side. Turns out, he doesn't have a fuckin' clue how to tell for sure. Shit surprised me too, cause Huge Klaus is totally awesome-huge and good lookin' too (no homo). I figured a buncha dudes are in the same boat, so I'm gonna run through some tell-tail signs that your bitch is scissorin' with some clit-masher.

1. She's thinkin' about joinin' a women's wrestling team. - Nothin' gets a lesbo's juices flowin' like rollin' around on a mat with a buncha other strap-on queens. Since everybody knows that dudes like chicks who're all delicate and soft and shit, this is a sure sign she's lookin' to get kinda buff while rollin' around with some serious bull-dykes.

2. She moans like a porno queen when she's eatin' sushi. - Course, you gotta take your bitch out to dinner at a sushi place to test this shit out...and that's pretty gay. All the dudes in sushi places are either too ugly to get some real cunninlingist, gay as Matthew McConaughay, or tryin' to see if their pussy's yearnin' for some poon. But a dude's gotta do what a dude's gotta do...Who knows? Maybe you'll get some kick-ass gaysha waitress or whatever. I can always go for some oriental gash.

3. Wears a strap-on around the house and says shit like,"You want some of this, you pussy?" - Lesbo chicks all wish they had real cocks to ream their bitches. If your chick is actin' all mesclun and pretendin' she's got a porksword, she's probably lookin' to muff-dive and shit.

4. She likes to sit on your face and watch kd lang videos. - Dykes fuckin' LOVE kd lang....which is weird...cause he's kinda a handsome dude.

5. She's proud of the skid marks she leaves in her boxers. - A little brown on a tong is understandable, dudes....but boxers and the skid marks in 'em is strictly a man's business. Your bitch shouldn't be wearin' boxers, and you should tell her she needs to wipe better before you two have a manage-a-twah with her new kitty puncher girlfriend.

Okay...that's pretty fuckin' hot but...ummm...whatever...

6. She listens to the Thelma & Louise soundtrack in her Subaru. - Thelma & Louise is about two dykes, dykes drive Subarus...you do the math, motherfuckers. I'll give you a hint though...you're not gonna have to count testicles.

7. When she eats hot dogs or bananas, she looks kinda angry and bites with a little too much enthusiasm. - Lesbos are pissed off they don't have cocks...we've been over that before, right, assholes? Well, when a muff-diver wakes up all happy and shit, it's usually cause she just had a dream about bitin' some dude's schween clear off.

8. She's asked you to tuck your junk between your legs and scissor with her. - Lezzies are totally into this scissorin' thing. Don't try to understand that shit, dudes...It totally doesn't make sense to a dude.

9. Her favorite meal is clams on the half-shell and angel hair. - Clams? Hair? C'mon, dudes. You're not that fuckin' stupid, are ya? Never mind...you've read this fuckin' far.

10. She calls your jap eye your "little vagina," or your cock your "big clit." - This is like defcon 5 for losin' your bitch to another chick. Don't let her stick her tongue in your dick hole and don't let her convince you to rub your dick all around that hole without takin' the plunge. That shit's for junior high and faggots.