Insomniac's Guide To Awesomeness

Insomniac's Guide To Awesomeness

by Pete Puma

A while back, my Twitter buddy, @EveryOlympian, asked my ass to write an article about shit to do when you can't sleep cause he has that insomnia disease or whatever. Well, I guess I didn't think I could write about that shit but, the last time I got back from Cali, I was havin' a bitch of a time fallin' asleep so I came up with a list of cool crap you can do while everybody else in the world is dreamin' away all the secret gay shit they'd do if they weren't such pussies in real life.

1. Glory Hole Whack-A-Mole - Every awesome city has a shitload of glory holes in public bathrooms and shit. If you live in a shit-ass town, go to the local truck stop...they almost always have 'em cause truckers love gettin' their dicks sucked by other dudes and whatever. Bring a rubber-mallet and just wait on the giver's side of the hole and have at it, dudes. Fuckin' hilarious.

The waiting is sometimes the hardest part.

2. Dress Up Like Al Jolson and Tell White Jokes at the Local KFC - Nothin' black dudes like better than a white dude with black make-up, douches...It's a known fact...like that Chinese chicks have sideways snatches. "What do a white bitch and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts." Make sure you got a bunch of these jokes though...you're gonna be there for a while.

3. Go To Work Early and Jizz in the Coffee Maker - If you're readin' this shit, it's almost guaranteed you don't have a job...But if you do, this is fuckin' hilarious, even before you tell everybody what you did. Make sure you get your own coffee though, dudes, or you're totally gay.

Mmmm...the froth is what makes it delicious...and SALTY!

4. Fuck Your Friend's Mom - Everybody's got a friend whose mom is fuckable, right? I definitely got a couple, and everybody knows that when bitches get to a certain age, they're so tired of stickin' dildos up themselves, they'll jump on anything with a vein in it. They don't even care if you wake their asses up in the middle of the night. The best part comes later, though, when you tell your buddy all about the nasty shit you did to his mom. Awesome.

Sometimes old sushi isn't that bad.

5. Bait Fags on a Party Chat Line - Homos like callin' those totally gay chat lines to hook up with other jizz junkies, so it's funny as shit to call 'em up and act like you're lookin' to smoke some pole. Nothin' more gullible than a dude with a chance at blowin' a load, assholes. If you hook one, tell the dude to meet you at the local KFC and that he should dress up like Al Jolson cause it makes your ass hot. The only thing black dudes like better than a white dude in black face is a gay white dude in black face. Oh, and don't actually go to the KFC, cause that makes you a fag too.

Who knows? You might end up talking to John Mayer!

6. See How Many Times You Can Jizz In An Hour - My record's six...but there's not as much Dora the Explorer porn on the Internet as you might think.

Thanks to @JustHadTo for alertin' my ass to this shit.

7. Give A Hitchhiker A Ride - The best ones to pick up are young runaway white chicks, and they're always lookin' to become "actresses" or some shit. Drop 'em off at the local KFC and tell 'em to ask around for Mark Fuhrman.

8. Call In To A Late-Night UFO Show - There's an awesome late-night talk show called Coast-To-Coast AM where all they talk about is ghosts, space aliens, and other shit to distract your ass from the fact that you're totally not gettin' laid. Those assholes broadcast that shit all over the fuckin' country so there's an awesome chance you can listen to that bullshit if you're up when nobody else in the country is listenin' to the radio. Call in and tell 'em some space dudes took you into their ship and gang-raped your ass for like 5 hours straight. Hope you got some time on your hands cause it's gonna be a long fuckin' call. Those dudes eat that shiz up...faggots.

9. Do P90X - ...and then get a sex change, gayboy. You're halfway there anyways.

"You, too, can grow a vagina in just 90 days!"

10. Sign on to Twitter and write tweets like "I'm having a sandwich," or "Oh, I'm so tired I can't believe it!" or "I simply detest my job." - You'll make shitloads of friends who're just as boring as your sorry ass.