By Pete Puma

To Butch and me, a "scout" is usually the dude who checks a party for fuckable chicks before the rest of us go in.  But there's another meaning, douches.  See, there're boy scouts, eagle scouts, and Indian scouts, ya dig?  The first two are the ones that old gay dudes fuck in tents in the middle of the night out in the woods.  The other one cuts the tops of heads off white dudes, I think, which sounds pretty bad-ass, but that's a subject for another article or whatever.

Anyways, Butch and I were talkin' about startin' our own scoutin' thing where we turn assholes into "The Muscle-Dude Scouts."  Here's the deal.  We take muscle-bound douches and turn 'em into muscle-DUDES, dig?  Don't bother tryin' to join The MDS (that's Muscle-Dude Scouts for you mongoloids out there) unless you're already mad-huge and mad-ripped, cause that's like a pre-requisment.

Thing is, you can't just do this crap without a system or some shit.  So, Butch and I've made up Muscle-Dude Scout BADGES!  That's right!  When you earn enough badges, you become an official To The Chest muscle dude.  That sounds awesome, right?  Well, it fuckin' is, but it's not gonna be that shit where you tie some faggoty-ass knot and get your slutty mom to sew it on your gay-ass shirt or whatever.  This shiz is gonna be mega-hard…that sounded a little gay, but you know what I'm sayin'.

Good work, slut.

There're 10 badges you gotta earn, and when you earn 'em all, we'll give your ass an official To The Chest t-shirt that'll tell everybody you meet that you're a bad-ass motherfucker and the shit's official or whatever, so they're not gonna argue with your ass about it.  And if they do, you'll kick the shit outta those cunts so hard that their dicks'll fall off.  That mighta sounded a little gay too, but whatever.

1. Hottie-Baggin' - Everybody knows that Butch and I've got some mad skillz in this department, so you're not gonna find anybody who knows more about this shit.  You'll learn all about crap you can say and do that'll make those slutty cock-gobblers into your very own bang-slaves.  Once you master "The Skillz," you'll be cock-deep in gash for the rest of our fuckin' life.

"Let's the three of us make some lube together, eh?"

2. Gruntin' - A blind dude could tell you where all the baddest dudes in the gym are just by listenin' to the best grunters in the place.  But you can't just make some throat sound and be cool.  Gruntin' is kinda an art farm or some shit.  After you earn this badge, you'll have the most kick-ass grunts in any gym, 'cept for The Rip House Gym, know what I'm sayin'?

Aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhrrrrrrmmmmmgrrrrratchoo!!!!

3. Cunt Chasin' - Now, this sounds a little like "hottie-bangin'," but it's totally fuckin' different.  You know those dudes who leave weights all over the place, hog like 5 machines at once, sweat all over the bench, and shit?  Those dudes are cunts, and you don't want those fuckers in your gym.  Once you pass the test for this badge, you'll know how to bug the shit outta these dudes so awesome that they'll quit your gym like the little namby-pamby faggot-boys they are, and go annoy the piss outta some other douches at another gym.

Out of my gym, faggot.

4. Spottin' - Anybody can stand there like they're about to tea-bag some dude on the bench and pretend like they're gonna help if somethin' goes all to shit, but a spotter needs to have some other tricks up his sleeveless shirt.  To earn this one, you'll have to learn the power of "insult screamin'," "the power of negative reinforcement," and "chest bumpin' so you don't look like an ass bandit."  Cause after all, a good spotter is practically a coach or some shit.

Strong work, army-boy, that's a whole 135 lbs., I think.  You're a real motivator.

5. Weight Organization - Take a look around your gym.  See those 5 lb. weights on the rack that're behind like 4 45 lb. plates?  See the two 100 lb. dumbbells right next to the sissy-ass 10 lb. dumbbells?  Well, that's because organizin' weights is fuckin' hard.  It takes like all the brain you've got to make sure you put those shits back where they came from, and when you graduate with THIS badge, you'll never stand there for 20 minutes like a douche-monger wonderin' where to set your weights down again, cause you'll be totally ace at it.

Every gym should probably have a "Weight Librarian."

6. Demotin' - Any cool dude knows that the best way to make himself look better to any chick is to know how to put down the other dudes that're around him.  A stud who learns those skillz is gonna turn into the "alpha-dude" quicker than you can say "Kabuki Bukkake."  At the end of this badge, you're gonna have a whole list of awesome shit to say about other dudes that'll let your fuck-target know that you're the one she wants all up inside her.

"And did I tell you that I heard he gets diarrhea when he cums?"

7. Posing - The only thing more kick-ass than bein' huge and ripped is lookin' huger and rippeder than you actually are.  They key to that is posin'.  Now, I'm not talkin' about body-buildin' shit where you're up on a stage flexin' like a mother-fucker.  I'm talkin' about ways to stand, sit, lean or whatever.  If you do that shit the right way, and make sure you're standin' in the best light or whatever, those muscles'll pop like you've never seen 'em.  The dudes'll be jealous and the hotties'll wanna ride your cock all fuckin' night...GUARANTEED!

1, 2, 3 and.....FLEX!

8. Honda Civic Mods - As far as Butch and I are concerned, no muscle-dude should drive any car but a Honda Civic...but I'm not talkin' about some piece of shit your faggot-ass just drove off some skanky used-car lot.  If you wanna be awesome, and you wanna earn this badge, you're gonna have to learn how to trick your Civic out all sick.  You'll learn how to make it ride low, sound like a Jap dude with belt-sander on his nuts, and attach all sorts of wicked ground effects and spoilers, and gauges, oh fuck...I just came...Oh yeah, and don't forget the sound system.  Kick....Ass....

9. Muscle-Shirt Design - It kills me when I see some muscle-bound meat mountain wearin' a shirt that's cut all wrong and shit.  See, you gotta have the rips in all the right places, the collar's gotta be cut all rough and deep, and the sleeves hafta be cut off just the right way.  Otherwise, you look like a total douche.  This one sounds a little gay, so just pretend I said somethin' about reamin' some hottie's gash until she can't walk without cryin'.

That rip on his left arm hole is genius, I tell you.

10. Juicin' - There's the right way to juice and the wrong way to juice, assholes.  The wrong way is where you can't even tell that the dudes shootin' up any whoremoans at all.  When you earn this badge your veins'll be poppin' like motherfuckers outta your paper-thin skin, and your yellow, beady eyes'll be on the lookout for any homo who's tryin' to steal a glance at your bitty shrunken balls.

Bet you didn't know Carrot Top lifted weights naked...God, I hope you don't have a dream about that tonight.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.  And remember:  Pump iron...not ass.

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