Pete and Butch Call In 'Sick'

Pete and Butch Call In 'Sick'

by Pete Puma and Butch Suede

Dudes...You know when your job starts to totally suck? Like, you'd rather get your whole fuckin' body waxed instead of goin' in? That's the way shizz's been for Butch and me lately. The Rip House has kinda gone to shit. Little Dickie Morehead and his cunt of a girlfriend've turned this place from a kickass gym where awesome, fucked-up dudes and boner-makin' hotties come to get ripped and huge, to a place where pervy, old cocksuckers and wrinkly-ass grandmas come to try and put off the nursing home for a coupla months or whatever. When we come home from work, we need to watch like 4 hours of porn just to wash away the pics of flabby tits and droopy turd-cutters that get burned into our awesome brains every day...and that doesn't leave a ton of time for bangin' smokin' babes.

So, we've been "callin' in sick," a decent amount...and there's just so many times you can tell your bosses that you got a fever and gobs of snot runnin' down the front of your shirt. You gotta start gettin' creative and whatever. Anyways, Butch and I sat down and made a list of excuses you pussies can use so your boss doesn't think you're skippin' out on work and havin' a good fuckin' time.

1. The dog ate my viagra and he's been bangin' the cat all mornin' - Now, the first thing you gotta make sure is that your boss knows you've got viagra only so you can bang hotties for like 12 hours at a clip, not that you've got a tough time keepin' your awesome marine plowin' through the jungle. Tell those assholes that your cat's bleedin' from the ass and you gotta stick around to keep that boner-wieldin' dog the fuck away. Butch and I don't have a cat, by the way. Cats are for fuckin' pussies.

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2. My cock got stuck in a glory hole and I gotta wait for my rock-hard throbber to go down. - With caller ID and shit, you gotta make this call from your cell phone...and you should do it in a room with like no furniture or rugs or anythin' so you can get a good echo goin', like a bathroom. Butch and I got like three rooms like that so it's not a problem for us. Awesome.

You shouldn't be gettin' blowjobs from chicks who wear dude boots anyways.

3. My girlfriend left her tampon in for a full week and now I have to go buy toxic shock absorbers for her. - It's always good to use somebody else's bad luck as your excuse cause then, you don't have to act all sick or injured or whatever. Plus, it makes you look like you give a shit about other people or some other bullshit.

I hope this shit comes with instructions.

4. I fell on a shampoo bottle in shower and I'm tryin' to work it out of my ass. - The good thing about this excuse is that most of you assholes've probably had it happen to you for realz. You gotta walk a little weird when you come in to work the next day but it's a pretty believable excuse so it's probably worth it.

5. I nailed myself in the nuts with a kettlebell. - For an awesome, ripped, and huge dude, weightliftin' injuries are like fuckin' gold. Thing is, if you work in a gym like Butch and me, you can't just say you dropped a bazillion pounds on your chest cause they woulda seen it happen...Plus, you don't want people thinkin' you're a huge pussy, droppin' weights on your own faggy ass. That's why kettlebells are kickass. You probably have that crap at home. It's a good idea to get your fucked-up limp act goin' strong for the next day, and a coupla socks stuffed into your crotch doesn't hurt.

6. Got home way-wasted last night, stepped outta my car, and walked right into the cesspool. I'm waist-deep in shit right now. - You may get a coupla days outta this one cause your boss'll probably wanna make sure you got all the shit washed off before you bring your skanky ass back to work. Make a coupla gaggin' sounds while you're talkin', so it sounds like you might actually be smellin' months of shit, piss, cum, and blood that you'd probably be sniffin' if you were in your own cesspool.

You fall into OUR cesspool, dudes, you're gonna come out with super-powers and shit.

7. Me and my buddies were lightin' farts all night and I've got a killer asshole burn. - Only use this one if your boss is a dude. Trust me, dudes. A chick might think you're a faggot for doin' that shit.

8. This hot chick I banged last night passed out and shit the bed. Now I've got a killer rash on my junk. - Make sure you've got a rep for bangin' drunk bitches, and not one for givin' donkey punches before you use this one, dudes.

9. My left nut is hangin' lower than my right one...like a foot lower. - Hard to use this one more than twice unless you've got a third ball but it's cool because your boss probably isn't gonna wanna make you prove that shit.