By Pete Puma

The only thing better than pumpin' iron is bangin' chicks.  Every dude who's not a faggot knows that shit.  Problem is, all that porkin' can make a kid if you're not careful or whatever.  Every awesome dude knows that kids are the worst fuckin' thing that can happen to his ass.  So, I guess if there's a god, he's a rotten cunt for makin' somethin' so awesome the cause of somethin' so shitty.  But this article isn't about religulous bullshit.  It's about blowin' your load in a shit-ton of chicks' vages without creatin' stinkin' little shit-makin' machines that'll ruin your life.

Sissy

I'll pretty much stick my dick anywhere in a chick that feels good; but, as far as my ass is concerned, that shit's just foreplay.  My favorite place to finish up is definitely the twat.  Now, I'm also the kinda dude who thinks that preventin' babies should be the bitch's business, since she's the one who's gotta carry that shit if somethin' awful happens.  But, when you're an awesome dude with killer jizz, and you hook up with a chick who's goin' deaf from the sound of that biorhythm clock tickin' away in her snatch, you gotta be careful.  She may be secretly wantin' to be knocked up or whatever, even if she doesn't know it herself.

It's always time to bang.

Now I'm gonna tell you assholes about some ways to make sure your swimmers don't get into trouble...and rate 'em...10's the best, 1 totally blows.

- Rubbers (AKA Condoms in faggot-speak) - Ever been sexin' up a smokin' babe all hot n' heavy, and just when you're about to go balls deep in her junk, she whispers somethin' like "do you have a condom?"  It's happened to every awesome dude at least once or twice.  When that shit happens, you gotta convince the slut that you have like 80 other ideas that'll keep her ass from gettin' knocked up....cause rubbers fuckin' suck even though they're like 120% effective or some shit.  Fact is, they take like half the awesomeness outta sinkin' the old porksword, and you gotta do everything you can to keep that shit from happenin'.  If you can't convince the hottie to let you in without one, go ahead and wear one, cause blowin' a load in a rubber is better than not blowin' a load at all.  But that should be the last time you tag that piece of poon. Rating: 2

- Pullin' Out - Feelin' a vag wrapped around your shaft is kickass, dudes, but havin' to concentrate on pullin' it out right before you shoot definitely takes away from the awesomeness.  Plus, finishin' in a hottie's hands or mouth just isn't the same, even though the idea of her tastin' herself on your dick is pretty hot. Rating: 4

Jackson Pollack

- Diaphragm - Diaphragms are decent cause you dudes don't have to do shit...but they suck cause they're totally old-school, and the chick who's usin' it is probably older than your mom.  You can probably do better, dudes. Rating: 5

She's still using her first diaphragm...made of bronze.

- Rhythm Method - I don't totally understand this shit but I guess chicks can only get pregnant a few days a month, when their eggs aren't hidin' away somewheres up in their snatches.  Thing is, a chick's gotta be able to count pretty well to make this shit work right, and I wouldn't trust most of the babes I bang to count their fingers right on the first try.  This is a totally risky one, dudes, and I'd stay the fuck away from it.  Plus, what happens when you wanna bang on one of the "wrong" days?  Use a condom?  Fuck that shit. Rating: 6

"Eleventeen, Twelveteen..."

- Ring and Birth Control Shots - This shiz is a little awesome cause, again, it's totally not up to the dude.  My problem with 'em is that a lotta chicks are lyin' sacks of shit, and it's hard for their asses to prove to me that they're usin' either one.  Picture this shit: You're gettin' all sweaty and sexy with a babe, it's time to do some drillin', she says she's usin' the ring or takin' shots, you don't believe her ass, and now you gotta either break off and go all Magnum P.I. lookin' for proof, or trust a coked-up skank you just met in some shitty club.  And good luck slidin' into home after you just told a slut you don't trust her ass. Rating: 6

Do some investigatin' before you shoot, dudes.

- The Pill and The Patch - The best, dudes...This is the tops in awesomeness.  You don't have to do shit before you bust a nut all up inside that thing, you don't have to worry about what time of month it is, and no breaks in the action.  It's also pretty easy to find out on the sly if she's bein' honest with your ass.  The patch is right there on her hot bod, so that's easy as shit to prove.  The pill's a little harder, but you can go scoutin' all through her medicine cabinet or pocketbook before the sexin' starts to make your ass feel better...and they make her tits bigger...so that's another plus.  It's a win-win-win-win, as far as I'm concerned, dudes. Rating: 10

Rock on, bitch!

- Vasectomy - Fuck you, bitches.  Nobody's gettin' near my goods with somethin' sharp. Rating: -6

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

---