by Pete Puma

Coupla last minute New Year's Eve partyin' tips for you douches out there...

1. No Cosmopolitans - The only time a straight dude should be allowed to drink a fag drink like a cosmo or some shit is if a chick promises him a blow job or somethin' better for doin' it.  Otherwise, the dude might as well take a dull hatchet to his goods, get a brazilian wax job or some shit and change his name to Millicent or whatever.

2. If you end up bangin' a chick who, in the morning or whatever, winds up bein' a dude, do everybody a fuckin' favor and don't tell a fuckin' soul.  I sure as shit don't wanna know that somebody I know was stupid enough to bang some hairy dude when he thought he was pokin' a hot chick.  That shit's just fuckin' embarrassing for everybody.  And you may feel like you wanna "get the shit off your chest", "share"  or whatever but just don't fuckin' do it cause you'll never live that shit down and if you're my friend, you'll probably end up killin' your sad fuckin' self inside of a year.

3. If you're one of those big, ripped dudes who gets all loud and stupid when they get fucked up, do everybody a fuckin' favor and don't drink cause there are dudes like me just waitin' for you to say somethin' douchified enough that I won't feel bad at all about beatin' your sorry ass to a pulp in the parking lot.  Just keep that shit in mind.  Be cool.  If you're half the fuckin' dude you think you are, the hotties will be practically beggin' you to invade their goods before the year's out.

Just lookin' for an excuse...'tsall I'm sayin', douchebag.

4. If you blow one of those fuckin' noisemakers in my ear, I'll shove it up your asshole sideways so far you'll need a doctor to get that shit out...then I'll make you lick your own shit off my fist.

No exceptions, grandma.

5. Bartenders know you're a drunk asshole.  Don't try to convince 'em otherwise cause you'll just prove the fuckin' point, dude.

6. If you blow your fuckin' chunks in a taxi on the way home, you owe the fuckin' driver a new car, no questions asked.  So get your lazy fuckin' ass a job and buy Habib or whatever somethin' yellow that runs.

7. Tip for the chicks: If you wind up with a some dude who's all into your totally shaved snatch, he'd probably rather be bangin' a little fuckin' girl...just keep the shit in mind, ladies.  Dudes who like to fuck "grown ups" aren't afraid of a pube or two...just keep the shit under control.

See you douches next year.

Keep pumpin'