by Pete Puma

At the gym today, Butch and I were talkin' about somethin' different for a change...bangin' chicks (duh).  It started out with me tellin' Butch how to spot a chick who was totally into anal, but it turned into a fuckin' heated debate about pumas vs. cougars. and who's a better score.

In case you're retarded, a puma is a hottie in her late 20's or early 30's who likes to fuck around with young studs like Butch and me.  She usually hasn't been married or had kids and she likes to party pretty hard, and she's not lookin' for some old dude to make the rest of her life a fuckin' cakewalk.  Cougars are like older versions of pumas...they're still hot but they're in their 40's.  They've probably been married once or twice, maybe had a kid or two, and have some spendin' money from divorces and shit, and they're totally lookin' to throw it at fucktoys like the two of us.  I'm not gonna tell ya who was on whose side.  All I'm gonna say is that the shit got pretty heated and one of us almost ended up with a dumbbell in his mouth.

Gettin' into a fight with a muscle dude while he's holdin' a dumbbell is a stupid fuckin' idea.

My point to Butch was that choosin' between a puma and a cougar is a little like decidin' between a new car and a used one.  Sure, the new car's shiny, smells awesome and whatever, but a lotta dudes are gonna have to settle for the Toyota, instead of the Lexus.  If you start lookin' at used cars, maybe you can snag a Lexus without too many miles on it for the same cash as the new Toyota.  Know what I'm sayin'?

Shit's been around the block a coupla times...but it's a Lexus, right?

Now, the showdown:

Body - First things first, douches...Cougar cootches can't compete with the natural lube of the pumas, dudes, but we gots rugmunchin' and KY for that shit so we're gonna call that near even.  So, let's talk bodies.  Pumas and cougars can both have awesome bodies, dudes, and that's no lie.  A cougar who's been workin' it at the gym can shave some of those hard partyin' years off her ass pretty convincin'ly.  Thing is, there's this shiz called gravity or whatever.  That's the thing that's always pullin' shit to the floor.  And while that may be good for makin' a dude's dong bigger, it's fuckin' hell on tits and asses.  The longer a babe's been walkin' around on two legs, the more obvious it is that that gravity crap's been fuckin' with her goods. Advantage: PUMA.

End Game: Gravity Always Wins

Sex Skills - Just like a dude doesn't bench 400 lbs. without payin' some serious dues, a chick doesn't come outta the gate knowin' all the ways to make a stud bust a kickass nut.  That shit takes experience and practice.  It's gonna take some time and a fair amount of cock handlin'; no way around it.  Cougars got some tricks up their sleeves that'd blow most pumas' minds, and that's no lie.  You're still gonna end up blowin' a load either way but would ya rather fly to Jizz City economy or first class? Advantage: COUGAR.

Relax, dude...She totally knows what she's doin'.

Smartness - Who gives a fuck? DRAW

Is that a smart mouth or a dumb mouth?

Sanity - Most pumas haven't been mind-fucked enough by random dudes to be too crazy...even though there're enough exceptions to make that just crazy-talk.  Sanity's important though, dudes, cause you totally don't want some bitch gettin' all obsessed with your ass just when you're ready to move the fuck on.  Every stud's had this shit happen.  You feel like you've worn that tired thing out and ya need a little "strange" to get your mojo back, but somebody's not lettin' go.  Plus, the longer you stay with a bitch, the better the chance she's gonna expect you to stop bangin' everything else that moves, and that's never a good thing. Pumas seem to be able to put that shit in the rearview a little better than most cougars.

DUDE! THAT'S HOW FUCKIN' AIDS GOT STARTED!

Dudes, somethin' happens to the chick brain when it turns 40 or whatever.  It's like every chick gets a fuckin' crystal ball on her 40th birthday, one that lets her see that time when no dude's gonna wanna bang 'er.  So she starts lookin' to rope some dude in longterm, thinkin' he's not gonna have a choice but to tag her ass, even when the caboose is startin' to jiggle a little too long.  Ever see Fatal Attraction?  Advantage: PUMA.

For the record...Glenn Close was NEVER hot.

Money - Cougars've either had their own careers and shit or they've been married and divorced enough that they don't need to worry about money.  That gives these hotties plenty of dough to throw around and buy nice shit for your ass while you're taggin' theirs.  Pumas may have some cash to party hard and drive a decent car, but they don't have that nut stashed away that lets 'em drop some serious cash on your ass without expectin' a shitload in return.  Datin' a cougar is a little like bein' a gigolo and that's fuckin' awesome.  Advantage: COUGAR.

Remember when bein' a pussy was sexy?  Me neither.

Rep Buildin' - It's pretty fuckin' cool to be seen at all the most awesome restaurants, especially when everybody knows you're totally not payin' the check.  But it's also kickass to be walkin' down a boardwalk, muscles poppin', with a totally young hottie with a smokin' bod, and every dude's eyes seemin' to say,"I'd give my left nut to tag that."  I dunno about you dudes, but I'd rather be known as a dude who's drillin' tons of young poon than a dude who's all into fuckin' other dudes' moms. Advantage: PUMA.

Holy fuckin' Christ, where's the bathroom?

WINNER: PUMA

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

 

 

 

 

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