By Pete Puma

Workin' at The Rip House Gym was pretty awesome when Uncle Otto was still kickin'.  It's still cool bein' able to get huge and ripped at work, but Little Dickie Morehead and his cunt of a girlfriend are like a case of blue balls that never goes away or whatever.  Butch and I've been thinkin' about quittin' that shit and startin' our own gym where a dude can be a dude and a slut can be a slut, but when I was talkin' to Huge Klaus about this shiz, he told my ass that you gotta get fired, cause that way, you can still get paid and shit.

Cause if you just quit, the moolah stops comin' like right a fuckin' way.  It's gonna take a coupla days to get a new gym up and runnin' though, so Butch and I gotta get our shit fired.  Here're some kickass ideas I got for gettin' that shit done.

1. Start Bringin' Your Lunch In Alive and Kill the Shit Right There Where You Work - Nothin's fresher than somethin' you just strangled or hacked to death right before you turned the microwave on, dudes.  Now, some of you assholes are probably thinkin' "Big fuckin' deal.  You cut up some lame-ass fish and cook away."  Thing is, I fuckin' hate fish, and nobody's gonna be shocked by that shit.  You gotta start with a stray dog, raccoon, or maybe even a lamb or whatever.  The more the thing screams when you're killin' it, the better.

2. Tell Your Boss About Dreams You Had About His Slut of a Girlfriend or Wife - Now, Dickie-Boy already knows I'd grudge-fuck Robin Hyman until her babymaker drops on the floor, cause I told him that shit.  But if I come in tellin' him about all the nasty sexin' we did in my dream, that little faggot's gonna crap a turd the size of Lady Gaga's cock.  "Oh Dickie, Robin was so fuckin' hot last night.  I was goin' balls-deep in her turd-cutter, just slammin' that sweet ass like I was never gonna nut, and then all the sudden, blood starts spurtin' everywhere, and the more blood that came out, the hotter she got.  You're a lucky dude, Dickie-boy.  If there was an All-Slut Sexin' Team, Robin'd be the fuckin' captain."

3. Save Your Jizz for a Few Months & Bring In Some Spooge-Filled Boston Creme Donuts For Everybody - Now, don't be a fuckin' idiot-fuck, dudes.  Precious Paul tried this shit at one of his jobs and the first thing he says when he walks in with a plate fulla donuts is, "Hey, everybody, they're filled with my cum!"  Tell 'em after they finish the donuts.  That'll get their asses good.  Use the bathroom quick if you gotta...that shit'll get crowded or whatever.

4. Make Everythin' You Say Sound Like You're Talkin' About Sexy Shit - People live for fuckin', dudes, so if you say anythin' with the right tone or whatever, you can make it sound like some nasty poundin's about to go on.  Just pretend you're sayin' somethin' sexy and it'll come out that way.  For example: "Robin, every time that liquid soap comes spurtin' out, I can't help thinkin' about you." or "Dickie, I wish our weights fit on the bars a little tighter.  It's so satisfyin' to jam my bar into a hole that just barely fits." ...then wink at him.  Don't worry about soundin' like a faggot, boys.  You're goin' for the shock.

Remember, ladies...It'll fit...It's all about how bad you want it to.

5. Make Your Holiday Card a POV Pic Of You Gettin' Head - The words are important here, douches.  Try somethin' like "I didn't blow anything on this card...but somebody else sure did."

6. When You Come Outta the Bathroom, Make Sure You Give As Much Detail As You Can About Your Shit - "Oh, man, dickie, you shoulda seen the dokie I just dropped in your bowl.  It looked like a fuckin' calico snake or whatever.  I almost called animal control."  Make sure you offer some pics "next time."

7. Carry A Laser Pointer Around and "Massage" Everybody's Crotches With the Light Beam. - Keep askin' shit like,"Yeah, bet that feels nice, dudn't it?  Nice 'n' gentle like a sexy little feather."

8. Microwave Fresh Dog Shit At Lunch Time - Two minutes on high is perfect, cause it'll explode around that time...but somebody usually shuts the shit off before then.

Mmmm...fresh dog shit.

9. Fill the Printer Tray With Pics of Diseased Cocks and Pussies.

Bitch needs a waxin'

10. Draw Veins On All the Pens and Pencils In the Place - Nothin's funnier than pretendin' that somebody's holdin' a cock in their hand when they're really just fillin' out a form.  Comments like, "Wow, Robin, you hold that thing like a pro but I think you might need a little more wrist action if you want the ink to come out" go a long fuckin' way.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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