By Pete Puma

I've been watchin' some of this olympics shit and when I'm not keepin' an eye out for skating cootch shots and brain-crushin' accidents, I'm thinkin' up awesome olympic events that I'd totally tune in for.

Three things I think the Olympics are missin' are nude hotties, bone-crushin' accidents and, of course, deaths.  I get pissed off cause winter olympic events aren't near dangerous enough or whatever.  In my perfect world, like only half the dudes and bitches who go into the olympics come out of it alive...and the ones who do'll be totally kickass heroes and shit...or Christopher Reeve-lookin' douches.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The Greeks had the crap almost right.  Tons of dudes musta died during their olympics.  They had like wolverine fighting, human catapulting, sword fighting (not the locker room kind, dude) and, of course, everybody's favorite: lion fucking.  That shit's dangerous, dudes, for sure.  But then I start thinkin' about the awesomest dudes there were: cavemen.  Now, I don't think they had olympics back then but if they did, they woulda been the most kickass ever.  I mean, just think of all the shitastic events you could have with all those dinosaurs runnin' around.  So, for this edition of To The Chest, I'm gonna make some suggestions about winter olympic events they should add to make shit a little more interesting or whatever.

No fair!  You can't double team him!

1. Spike Sledding - You've got a hill, a buncha dudes standin' around on the mountain (fenced in so they can't run off to the side) and then another dude at the top on an awesome sled with a bigass spike on the front of it.  The sled dude goes barrelin' down the mountain and tries to stick as many of the standin'-around dudes as he can.  The asshole who has the most spiked dudes on the front of his sled at the bottom of the mountain wins.  Wicked cool, right?

2. Outdoor Survival - Dudes get dropped in the middle of the woods buck nekkid (can anyone say shrinkage?) to try and survive like cavedudes.  Once all those assholes but three are dead, judges decide who's furthest from death and he gets the gold.  The thing that's awesome about this event is that dudes are guaranteed to die...Some'll just freeze to death, some'll get eaten by bears and others'll fall outta ginormous trees.

3. Polar Bear Wrestling - If you need me to explain this shit to you, you're totally retarded.  The only thing the dude gets is an awesome wolverine claw glove cause that's pretty much what the polar bear's got and we want the shit to be fair.  I'm pretty sure I could kick a polar bear's ass but I'd pay cold hard cash to see some of you twerps try it.

4. Avalanche Stand and Dig - Dudes stand all along a mountain and some kickass helicopter comes in and shoots the snow on the top of the mountain with some totally awesome rockets, makin' an avalanche.  The dudes gotta get hit by the snow and then dig their asses out by hand.  First dude to pop his head up gets gold.  Dudes who don't make it get fed to the polar bears after the snow melts.

5. Naked Holly Tree Climbing - This is a chick sport cause the chances of dyin' aren't that great... and it's more about seeing naked chicks than anything else so I don't really give a shit who wins or how.  Right after this event, you could have the chicks do naked blood wrestling.  That'd be totally hot.

6. Ice Sculpture Porn - Totally hot, naked babes have awesome sex with ice sculptures and a panel of judges and whatever give 'em scores based on level of difficulty, artistic shit and overall hotness.

Let's just pretend this is just an ugly chick so I can stop Googling for pics, okay?  Thanks.

There ya have it.  I'm gonna send this article to the dude who runs the olympics as a favor to his ass and we'll see if the next winter olympics isn't a little more interesting and shit.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

---