by Pete Puma

Dudes...I always DVR the show "What Not To Wear," or, as I call the shit, "Chicks I'll Totally Never Bang."  Every dude gets to feelin' down every now and then, whether they're awesome, like Butch and me, or not.  When my headshit's not all together, I watch that show cause, no matter how bad things look, it makes me realize: at least I'm not sexin' some frumpy bitch.  The babes I'm banging are waaaaaay hotter than those skanks and that makes me feel awesome again.

They both want my cock.  Guess which one can have it?

The other day, while I was watchin' those douches "transform" (read: put a dress on a chick I wouldn't bang with John Basedow's little fuckstick) some roly poly "mom" into a meat grinding tranny in a pants suit, I was thinkin' about writin' an article on how not to look like a pussy at the gym.  But I'm a positive dude and that seemed way too negative for my ass.  So, I settled on "How To Show Everybody At the Gym You're a Huge Pussy."

Wow...She went from making me wanna be gay to being completely unfuckable. Incredible.

If you're doin' any of the following shit and you wouldn't wanna wear a shirt that says, "I'm A Huge Pussy," cut the shit, dudes.

1. Wear Weightlifting Gloves - If your hands are too soft and delicate and shit for the bar, you might as well just skip around the gym singin' Tiptoe Through the Tulips or whatever.  Nothin' pisses me off more than shakin' hands with a ripped dude whose hands feel more like they should be on my dick than grippin' a bar.  Man up, dudes.

When will these ginger people ever learn?

2. Wear A Yarn Hat - If you're wearin' a yarn hat at the gym, you look like your mommy made you wear the shit.  "Don't catch a cold at that chilly gym of yours, dear."  What the fuck?  If you're wearin' the shit to keep warm, you're a big pussy.  If you're wearin' it as a fashion statement, you're a bigger pussy, and I'd rather set the thing on fire and shove it up your ass than make contact with your dude-scopin' eyes.

I see you got a super-sized helping of ghey with your drinks, fellahs.

3. Grunt Like A Sissy While You're Jackin' the Bar - Nothin' broadcasts your estrogen overdose better than grunts, dude.  You gotta make the shit look and sound like it's easy...even if your ripped mountains of muscle feel like they're gonna explode, dude.

Shut it...and stop posing for gay porn while you're at it.  You're pretty ripped though...strong work.

4. Touch Your Workout Partner - Punchin' your lifting partner is cool, especially if you practically knock him out.  But if you're chest-bumpin' or shoulder-pattin' or doin' anything that doesn't hurt your buddy, every dude in the place is gonna think you two should get a room, oil your asses down, and have at it.  No lie.

As if tennis weren't faggy enough...

5. Use Circuit Training Machines - Some dude once told me he could bench 200 lbs. and lookin' at him, I could totally tell he had a better chance of teabaggin' Heidi Klum.  So, I loaded the plates on the bench and told him to have at it.  "Oh, no," he says, "I meant on the Precor circuit machine."  I laughed my ass off so hard I almost sharted.  Listen.  Circuit training machines do half of the work for your ass.  So, if you can bench 200 on one, your ass is lucky if you can do 130 on a real bench press.  Get a pair of nuts, dude, and step up to the free weights.  It's the only way to get ripped and huge.

This is actually a 20 year old man.  The machine makes him look like that.

6. Use a Stair Master - If you've been readin' To The Chest for a while, you know it's no secret what I think of Stair Masters: they're for gay dudes and chicks with flat asses.  Get on the treadmill, run outside, or head over to the Empire State Building for a real stair workout cause if you're on a Stair Master, you might as well get a tramp stamp that says "Harder, Stud Muffin."

Photo courtesy of @gymicrae

7. Sing Along With the Music in Your Headphones - The music at the gym is bad enough without your fairy falsetto singin' along to your new Adam Lambert single.  Keep your stink hole shut.  No need to make Miley Cyrus any fuckin' worse, dude.  Keep it up and your "partner" will get real world experience at gettin' a tooth-free throat job.

8. Drop Your Weights - We've all heard the clangin' of weights dropped on the floor.  When it happens, it either means somebody's tryin' to lift more than he can or we've got an attention whore on our hands.  Three things To The Chest teaches your ass about are: Bein' Huge, Bein' Ripped, and Bein' Awesome.  If you're droppin' your weights, you're totally missin' your shit on the third one, dude, cause part of bein' awesome is lettin' everybody notice your awesomeness without your fairy ass showin' it to 'em.  Put the shit down gentle, dude, like you're layin' a virgin (which I totally don't recommend cause they don't know what the fuck they're doin').

She's got potential but she clearly needs more practice.

9. Start A Conversation With the Hugest Dude On the Floor - Everybody who's been goin' the gym for more than a fuckin' week knows that you gotta see a dude there like every day for 10 years  before you act like you've ever even seen his ass before.  Otherwise, he's gonna assume you wanna tag his ass.  And if that dude happens to be the hugest dude around, bump that shit up to about 20 years.  Now, if you happen to see him outside the gym, at the store or some shit, you can acknowledge his ass and maybe even talk to him for a minute without seemin' like an ass bandit.  Then, when you see him at the gym again, you're allowed to nod, a casual wave at most, dude.

Well, now, isn't he the sweetest oriental gentleman you've ever seen?

10. Wear Hair Gel - Spiky hair and faux hawks make me want to twist your head off and ram it up your dick-trained ass.  That is all.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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