by Pete Puma

I got an e-mail from some douche just before the latest edition of Dear Pete and I was gonna answer that shit but started thinkin' that it deserved its own article or whatever.  Asshole was askin' about his personal trainer cause he was startin' to get the feelin' that the dude was lookin' for a little ass-banditry with him...but he wasn't sure.

I've known a shitload of personal trainers in my day and I'll be honest: a lot of those dudes are into suckin' a dick here and there...not as much as dude hairdressers or hotel workers, but a bunch.  See, gay dudes like to be buff cause dudes are into looks way more than chicks are.  Homos know that they're gonna get a lot more action if they're lookin' ripped.

You know a job is gay if they make a doll like this for it.

Anyways, I put together a list of shit to look for when you're tryin' to figure out if your personal trainer is a regular on the Hershey express:

1. He starts and finishes your session in the locker room - The only reason a dude would wanna spend time with your ass in a locker room is if he wanted to get a look at your buck-naked ass.  Fact is, only gay dudes like spendin' time in the locker room at all.  If you see some asshole hangin' around, takin' his time in there, you can be dead fuckin' positive he's lookin' for some dude-on-dude action.  The straight guys look like they just heard there's a fire or some shit and they're just tryin' to get out before they get all burned up and whatever.

This is the last pic of super-gay dudes in this article...I swear.

2. He talks about P90X like it's somethin' it's okay for dudes to do - I don't know how many times I gotta go over this with you dudes but P90X is totally gay.  If you're into real exercise, bangin' hotties, and are serious about gettin' ripped, huge, and awesome, you already know that P90X is only good to prepare your ass for bein' on the receivin' end of all-night butt sex.  Lift heavy-as-shit weights and run like an army of George Michaels are chasin' your ass but stay the fuck away from P90X or you'll wind up growin' a vagina between your legs.

Look at his face. You can't tell if he's doin' P90X or takin' it up the ass.

3. He proposes some "after hours" training sessions - Like you gotta be some kinda rocket surgeon to figure this shit out... "After hours" means "nobody else around" and he probably wants to get your ass on one of those hamstring machines the chicks use just to give you a boner...You know the one I'm talkin' about...the one that gives you like 8 different bangin' options.  God damn, I love that fuckin' thing.

4. He asks you all sorts of stuff about your "girlfriend" and your sex life - Straight dudes don't wanna hear about other straight dudes bangin' chicks cause they only wanna think about themselves bangin' chicks.  A gay dude'll ask you shit about your girlfriend just to case your ass for possible butt sex.  He wants to hear shit like she "doesn't understand" you and that you're not gettin' it enough.  He's just lookin' to see if your back door is open and shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

"See, a lotta dudes wanna do anal but their wives aren't interested, y'know?"

5. When he loads plates, he slides them on and off a few times on the bar while staring you square in the eyes - Any eye contact with another guy at the gym is risky, dudes, and if you make that eye contact last for longer than a fuckin' nanosecond, he's gonna think you two are about a minute and a half away from anal.  Put that eye contact together with a dude slidin' weights on and off the bar is as gay as it gets.

Beware the on-and-off move, dudes...it's a telltale sign.

6. He's very "hands-on," especially during your glute workouts - Even if you're just spottin' a muscleman who's benchin' 500 pounds, don't even think about makin' any dude-to-dude contact or your next step is gonna be either shieldin' your face from the beatin' of its life or bracin' yourself for some butt penetration and shit.  The only time a straight dude is allowed to touch another dude at the gym is if he's punchin' him...no exceptions.  If you accidentally touch a dude, say, "sorry, dude" fuckin' immediately and walk the fuck away...and watch your back for a surprise punch to the back of your gay head.

It's actually kinda hot when two chicks are doin' it.

7. When he talks about "extra protein," he opens his eyes wide and his eyebrows go up and down - Any muscle dude who knows anything will tell your ass that you need to get some extra protein in your diet if you wanna get huge...and you DO wanna get huge.  Thing is, if he's suggestin' you get it some way other than Muscle Milk, steak, chicken, or eggs, run the other fuckin' way fast...especially if he tries to convince you that you can "absorb" protein through your asshole or some shit.  These gay dudes can be pretty convincin' and whatever.

8. He says stuff like "yeah, that's right, just like that, that's soooo good" while you're trying to do your reps - A straight personal trainer will definitely try to motivate your ass to do more reps and bigger weights but he's not gonna do it all sissy-like with "positve reinforcement" and shit.  He's gonna tell you what a pussy you are for not bein' able to squeeze out another rep and how if you don't put more weights on the bar, you're a big fuckin' fairy...that's the way trainers who're into chicks do it, dudes...no lie.

9. He tells you he has a "salty tooth" and "absolutely [loves] the smell of bleach" - You gotta hand it to the gay personal trainer who makes it clear he's gonna return the favor and shit but god, you gotta be a fuckin' retard not to know what he's gettin' at with this kinda crap.  Chances are, if the dude needs to resort to this come-on, he's tried two or more of the points above, and you just acted like you had no idea he was lookin' to invade your ass crack.

Are they cleaning the bathrooms or did you just jizz in your pants?

10. He's told you he'd like to bang you in the ass. - Not only is your trainer gay for your ass, you're so stupid that he finally had to come right the fuck out and tell you he wants his cock in you.  You're probably a mental case and the dude should be put the fuck in jail for tryin' to bang a retard.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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