by Butch Suede

As a personal trainer I’m often confronted with clientele who are so fat it’s disgusting.  In my view there is nothing more repulsive on a human body than fat with the possible exception of missing limbs or maybe dwarfism or bulbous tumors.  The bottom line, fat is friggin gross.

You know the saying, “You don’t see yourself as others see you” well this is especially true for fat people.  Fatties make us normal people cringe when they step onto a plane or lumber into a movie theater.  We can’t help but stare when a fatty walks into a restaurant or God forbid into an all you can eat buffet!  We’re sickened at the sight of fatties at the beach with their gigantic tee shirts, rubbing thighs and pasty pale skin (unless they're negro of course).

Fat people are oblivious to the fact they constantly smell like a combination of sweat, urine and ass!  I guess they get used to their own odors but the rest of us sure don’t.  A matter of fact, I know a guy whose name I won’t mention that will fart in public if a fat person is present.  He knows that everyone will assume the fat person is the farting culprit while he goes on his merry way.

Although not politically correct to talk about, fat people are directly responsible for global warming. Obese people are bigger eaters than the normal population and, because their excess weight makes walking a chore, they drive more. Food production and driving generate greenhouse gas emissions. Thus, fatties warm the planet.  Fat people are a threat to our very survival.

To summarize, fat people are frowned upon by society.  Fat people are thought to be inferior and are often laughed at behind their chubby backs!!!!  Don’t worry porkers I’m here to help. 

Normally I’d say that gradual weight lose is the best method but this only applies to those who have less than 10 pounds to lose.  For the morbidly obese (ten or more pounds overweight) drastic actions must be taken. Below are two sure fire ways to lose those unsightly pounds:

The Last Course

The famous hippie fat man himself, Jerry Garcia, inspired the “Last Course”.  Jerry Garcia fought weight his whole stupid drugged out life.  Legend has it that Jerry bit off his own finger while eating a hoagie in a stoned out frenzy.  Jerry Garcia was considered talented by some but considered fat by all.  If Jerry had used the following diet technique he might still be alive today, boring the masses with his shitty music.

After dinner simply assemble the following ingredients, consume and enjoy the calorie cleansing effects:
1 pint Ben and Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia”
1 bar Ex-lax

Warning: Do not fly after consuming but you really shouldn’t be flying anyway.

The Big Shot

This diet technique doesn’t only reduce massive amounts of fat but can also save your ass if you’ve just consumed rat poison.  Gigantic fat chicks love this diet because they can eat whatever they want and then immediately barf up all those elephant making calories.   Fat chicks, prepare to become fine!

Preassemble and refrigerate the following ingredients:
1 box diet jello
5 Tablespoons Ipecac syrup

1. Combine and pour into jello shot molds.

2. One Shot after every meal


Warning: Do not stand behind me after consuming!


Keep on Pumpin all you fatties!!