by Pete Puma

Seems like I've been spendin' some time tellin' you assholes a whole lot about bein' awesome but I haven't been talkin' much about bein' huge and ripped and that shit makes me feel worse than a normal dude at a renaissance fair.  So, I owe you dudes the low-down on the nutritional supplements that're gonna transform your twerpy, muscle-free bodies into hulking masses of awesome man-steel.  I'm gonna start with the stuff that helps okay and work my way up to the awesome shit that'll make you look like a normal-colored Hulk or whatever.

First thing I wanna say though, dudes, is that you can just stop readin' right now if you're not gonna bust your nuts at the gym.  None of this shit's gonna do anything but make you more of a fat turd unless you make up your mind not to be a pussy and start pumpin' some serious iron.  So, turn off "Golden Girls," put the remote on the table and head on over to the gym, you little fruit.

Since that one in the middle died, you've had nothin' to beat your meat to, dude. At least the hot ones are still kickin'.

1. Whey Protein - I don't have a lot to say about protein, dudes.  You should take it though cause your muscles like live on protein and you're not gonna get huge without massive amounts of it.  Unless you wanna be wastin' time cookin' yourself three steaks and 19-egg omelets every fuckin' meal, you should load up on the powder protein so you've got time to bang some sluts between your awesome workouts.  Why waste your time cookin' and eatin' when you can just mix some shit up in water and chug it down?  Don't be an asshole.

2. Creatine - For somethin' that's so easy to get, creatine's pretty awesome.  It's this super muscle food that gives you like more energy and shit.  A lotta assholes don't know this: buildin' muscle is all about hurtin' 'em but when they heal up, they get stronger, dig?  Creatine makes your muscles heal up faster so, if you take enough of it, instead of only bein' able to lift every other day or whatever, you can rest for like an hour or two and go right back to liftin' and you're just as awesome as you were before.  Like I've said before, it's hard to say how much hugeness or rippedness I've gotten from creatine cause it's like one of about ten supplements I'm takin' but I'm not gonna stop takin' it for shit cause liftin' is like my second favorite thing to do (right next to bangin' hotties, that is) and anything that's gonna let me go practically all day, every day at the gym is awesome for me.

Dude, let me introduce you to your goal.  Goal, this is dude.

Now, the next two are a little tougher to get cause if a dude gets caught buyin' or sellin' 'em, he might find his ass in the slammer or whatever.  So, you gotta be careful...totally worth it though.

3. HGH - HGH stands for Huge Gigantic Hyperdrive or some shit.  I dunno.  This crap makes you big and ripped, dudes, and it's an awesome idea to take it along with #4 on this list...but be careful.  If you take too much, you'll end up lookin' like a caveman or some shit and dudes'll be comin' up to your ass tryin' to put you back in a museum or whatever.  This crap's pretty good though...it, like, eats any extra fat you have so it really makes your muscles pop outta your skin like huge, awesome machetes or whatever.

Somebody stole this dude's junk...but he's still totally awesome.

You'll be totally ripped and that's kickass...but you may have to buy some bigger hats cause if you take the right amount, it'll make your head the size of a watermelon or whatever, but that's alright.  Chicks dig a big musclebound head.  If you're a pussy about stickin' needles in your ass, you might wanna get totally drunk the first few times you do it.

Eddie Murphy's head got so huge, he's gotta tow it around on a fuckin' trailer...bet he's scorin' lots with the hotties though.

4. Ana-bionic Steroids - This shit's the key to gettin' huge, ripped AND awesome all in one, dudes, but you gotta be able to drive a needle into your soon-to-be massive muscles...It's totally worth it, though, dudes.  If you're a dude, your body makes roids all the time anyways.  They're what make your ass more muscly than a chick's or a gay dude's so it's totally fuckin' natural.  By shootin' the shit into your skin, you're just givin' a little extra kick to what your body's gonna do without your say-so anyways.  Unlike, HGH, I don't recommend overdosin' on roids cause they can do some shit you don't really want.

Just look at those muscular glutes, dudes...super cool.

First of all, don't EVER take uppers when you're doin' roids.  I've done it only three times and two of 'em, I ended up in the pokey for totally mashin' a dude's head and I'm not even sure what they did to deserve the shit...but they probably did somethin'.  The other thing is that it can make your balls small.  Now, that's not so bad cause it's also like the most awesome way of keepin' from knockin' a hottie up without usin' a rubber.  Plus, you don't hear bitches sayin' shit like, "Oh, that guy was so awesome in the sack cause his balls were so big," or whatever.  So don't sweat that shit, dudes, cause it doesn't make your schlong any smaller.

So, this horse walks into a bar...

Keep on pumpin', dudes.