Pete's Gym-Goer's Glossary

Pete's Gym-Goer's Glossary

by Pete Puma

I was readin' a book my swami told me I had to read, somethin' about inner peas or some faggotized bullshit, and I didn't know what most of the words were. Good thing there was this thing called a 'glossary' in the back that explained what shit like "dharma" is (besides some cunt on a shit-ass TV show). A lot of douches write in and tell me about some shit at their gym and they wanna know if there's a name for it. Fact is, a lot of this crap doesn't have an "official" name or whatever, so I pulled together some of that shizz, put names to it, and dumped it into this here article, dudes.

Aero-Fairy - This is any asshole who goes to the gym just to do aerobic shit...no weights, no heavy bag, no pull-ups. Dudes, I'm down with runnin'. It's what keeps my ass ripped instead of just huge and awesome, but you gotta do some muscle work or you're gonna end up lookin' totally like a cock-addicted jizz-monger. Ex. "That dude who looks like Amy Winehouse was runnin' pretty fast on the treadmill..must be an aero-fairy."

Bench Readers - These are the losers who load their plates writing-side-in on the bar, like they're gonna gonna be readin' the shit while they're doin' their reps or whatever. When I see some asshole load his weights like that, I wanna throw a 45 pounder at his face like it's a Frisbee or some shit. Ex. "I couldn't see what that asshole was pumpin' cause he was some kinda bench reader or whatever."

It took everything I had not to smash the computer screen when I saw this pic.

Dangling Dandy - One of those dudes who walks from the showers to the lockers with no towel, makin' every dude witness his dong swayin' between his faggy legs. These dudes probably bother my ass more than anybody else. Y'know how your eyes always zoom in on somethin' that's movin', no matter what it is? Well, that means that even the straight dudes gotta at least get a glimpse of Mr. Dandy's swingin' meat whether they like it or not. Ex. "I love looking at my own schlong, but I could do without the dangling dandies in the locker room."

The only thing gayer than Mr. Dangling Dandy is the faggot in Batman skivvies on the right.

Ergo-Sexuals - These are the dudes who use those curved curl bars so their fairy wrists don't get all injured and shit. Come on, dudes...When you gotta lift somethin' heavy like a boat or a steel drum full of dead hookers, you think it's gonna be bent all nice so you don't hurt your spindly little bones? Move to the straight bar, pussies. Ex. "The guy looked pretty ripped and awesome, but when I saw him using a curved curl bar, I realized that he was just a limp-wristed ergo-sexual."

Gay, not gay...a simple bar change makes all the difference.

Hump-Gay Bogart - Some dudes are super-into their workouts...and I totally get that shit, but when they bogart three or more pieces of equipment at once, I get pissed off. When gay-boy has his towel on one machine and his Muscle Milk at another, and he's in the middle of usin' a third one, it makes me wanna take a dude-sized whiz in his drink while he's not lookin'. Ex. "I wanted to get a quick workout in, but some hump-gay bogart was hoggin' all the equipment I needed."

Urine...it's what's for dinner.

The Oasis - The wet spot in a hot babe's crotch that happens after she's been doin' some aerobic shit for a while. Ex. "Dude, I gotta take a bathroom break. That babe's oasis is givin' me a boner that can't be denied."

I'm typing this sentence with a boner.

OWL - Old Wrinkly Lady...We've all seen 'em at the gym, liftin' itty bitty weights, launchin' invisible attacks on our eyes, like mace or some shit. I wish I knew when these skanky old cunts went back to their coffins to sleep so I could avoid their asses, but they're always fuckin' there to ruin my chick-scopin' time. Ex. "If that old skank had started working out forty years ago, she might not be such an OWL today."

Imagine how many burn victims this woman could save.

Plate Panzies - These are the cocksuckers who leave their weights on the bar when they're done with their sets. Dudes, I get why you leave 130 pounds on the bench press bar, but we muscle dudes think that means there's some pussy who's gonna come back any minute to pretend he's workin' out. If you're strong enough to put that shit on the bar, you're strong enough to take it off...or else I'm gonna have to break your neck and turn you into some Stephen Hawking-lookin' freak.

You just know Ronald's the kinda douche who's gonna leave his pussy weights on.

Sasquatch Hunters - These are homo douches who're scopin' the gym for gay muscleheads, hopin' for a butt-stabbin' session or two. Thing is, they're huntin' for somethin' that doesn't exist, like Sasquatch, dudes...cause musclebound dudes like me and Butch can't be gay. Gay dudes are gay cause they don't have enough testosterone or whatever to make 'em straight, and that's the same shizz that builds awesome, huge muscles. That's why gay dudes are always spindly little delicate things or whatever. Ex. "Did you see that faggy guy who was straining to bench one-thirty staring at my awesome, muscular ass? He must be a Sasquatch hunter."

Schnoz Strangler - This is the dude who comes to the gym every fuckin' day for like two weeks and never washes his clothes once. Nothin's worse than 2 week-old sweat, dudes, especially when you start workin' up a fresh sweat on top of it...makes the whole gym smell like a Hasidic Jew in August. Ex. "I had to move to the other side of the gym to escape the stench fog that schnoz strangler laid down."

This was just too gay not too put into this article. I have no other reason for putting it here.

Slick-cilian - If you work up a healthy sweat and then start liftin' weights without wipin' the shit out of the equipment before you're done, you're leavin' greasy wet spots all over the vinyl, and you're what we call a slick-cilian. Ex. "I used up a whole roll of paper towels and a gallon of spray cleaner during my workout because of all the slick-cilians at that gym."

Fact is, you never know WHAT left the slime...you're better off bein' safe.

Steam McQueens - Usually an older, fat dude who goes real light on the exercise and spends most of his gym time in the steam room, hopin' to run into some ripped dude who doesn't mind gettin' blown by an old fart with a beer gut. Ex. "If you wanna take a steam, you better wear a double-towel, dude. There's a real steam mcqueen in there."

Wait 'til the guy on the right finds out about the butt-stabbin' the guys on the left have planned for him.

Thunder Pig - These are the homely, dumpy chicks, usually in their 20's or 30's, who think that they'll somehow magically become fuckable by loggin' some gym time while listenin' to romance novels on their iPod Shuffles. Ex. "That poor thunder pig doesn't realize that she could work out 24/7 for the next 10 years and still not be able to get laid at a Renaissance festival."