By Pete Puma & Butch Suede

Butch and I were shootin' the shit the other day and Butch came up with the awesomest idea ever...to create the world's most kick-ass gym.  I know you're thinkin', "Oh yeah, Butch and Pete'll open some gym with all the best equipment and it'll be the same as any other gym, just a little bit better."  Think again, retards.  We put our awesome heads together to come up with a plan that'll blow every other gym out of the world and shit.  It ain't gonna be cheap though, so if you're some kinda lame-ass pencil pushin' cocksucker, you can just stop readin' right now.  This shit is off-the-hook up-scale or whatever, and you can't just hand over your pussy Discover card with your $500 credit limit, dudes.  You gotta pass an interview and "entrance" exam to get in and you gotta be mad-loaded to stay.

This is what our gym's gonna do to your gym, sissy-boy.

Here're some of the kick-ass features of our new gym.  We haven't decided on a name yet but Butch put the name "Zeus-nasium" in as a possibility.

1. Valet Parking - Dudes're gonna be pullin' up in Maseratis and Ferraris and shit and we're gonna park that shiz right up front so every asshole drivin' by can see that we're not fuckin' around here.  Our clients are gonna be the bubbles in the jizz-bowl, if you know what I'm sayin', floatin' way up top and shit.  Gearheads are gonna be beggin' to work the valet job for free too, cause they get to drive all those awesome cars, and plus it's cool for a dude to drop his car off by the front door and strut off somewhere without fuckin' with the parkin' shit.

Look at all those rich, buff dudes on her tongue.  Awesome.

First dude who drives a Bugatti and joins our gym gets a free To The Chest t-shirt.

2. Professional Spotters - Y'know when you're at the gym and you're gonna go for a personal best or whatever and you're lookin' around and all you see are pussies who look like they couldn't even curl a mug of Muscle Milk?  Then, when you find some dude who looks like he can handle the job, he totally sucks at spottin' your ass.  He'll get his balls way close to your face, or he'll get all jumpy, just dyin' to "save" you when you sure as shit don't need it, touchin' the bar when you didn't ask his pussy face for help.  It's downright shitty. Well, at our new gym, we're gonna have spotters all over the place; dudes who know how to give a good spot...douches who know how to keep it mellow.

3. Bathroom Attendants - I hear the best restaurants have dudes in the bathrooms who make sure you wash your hands after you take a shit.  Well, we're gonna have the same thing, cause I wanna be totally sure that when I step to the bar, some other dude who just wiped himself without washin' didn't use it before me.  Shit's unsanitary and whatever.  Oh yeah, and the tiles in the bathroom?  They're made of fuckin' GOLD, dudes!

Just don't call him your "niggah," aight?

4. Cheerleaders - When I wanna nail a personal best, I want some huge dude all up in my face, yellin' at me, tellin' me I'm a pussy and a fucktard.  That shit gets me pumped.  But some dudes don't think that way.  They want it to be all nice-nice, "postiive reinforcement" and shit.  Whatever...as long as there're hot chicks with nice tits jumpin' up and down, flashin' their cootches everywhere, I'm down.

Smells Like Teen Tuna

5. Weight Movers - Takin' weights on and off the bars doesn't help you get huge, ripped, or awesome...but you do it cause you're not a douche rocket, right?  Well, when you join OUR gym, you never have to do that shit again cause there're gonna be dudes to do it for your ass.  They're also gonna wipe down the equipment when you're done so you don't spread your skanky diseases through your slimy, greasy sweat.

6. "Cocktail" Waitresses - Ever forget your Muscle Milk when you go to the gym?  Ever get thirsty and then all bummed out that all you've got is a shitty little water fountain with piss-warm water that tastes like it ran through somebody's ass crack before it got to your mouth?  Our gym is gonna have hot little pieces of ass runnin' around gettin' you Gatorade, Muscle Milk, water, whatever...and if you tip 'em okay, they'll give you a quick little pat on your schween.

Why just get Muscle Milk when you can get Muscle Milk and a boner?

7.  220 lb. Bars - Like I said before, you gotta pass a test to get into this gym, dudes.  You gotta be fuckin' ELITE.  That's why we're gonna get custom-made 220 lb. bench press bars.  That way, you can warm up with just the bar and then move up to some real weight with just a few plates.  If you can't bench at least 220, fellas, you don't belong at our gym.

Say goodbye to the days of all those weights, dudes...super-heavy bars are gonna kick ass.

8. Leader/Loser Boards - Some dudes get all motivated from people sayin' negative shit to 'em, some from people sayin' positive shit to 'em.  Either way, we got you covered with the Leaderboard and the Loserboard, where we'll post the best and worst performances of the month.  The leader of the month gets to towel-snap the loser of the month's ass 10 times.

This hardly looks like punishment but hey...

9. Posing Area w/ Closed Circuit Cameras - What's the point in lookin' like the Incredible fuckin' Hulk if you can't show off what hard work does for your ass?  Our gym's gonna have a special "posing" area with closed circuit cameras and flatscreen TVs so everybody in the gym can take in the show while other massive, ripped customers flex their awesome muscles.  This is startin' to sound a little gay.

Now you douches can stop pretendin' you're not posin'.

10. MMA Octagon - When you got a ton of muscle and testosterone walkin' around in a gym with smokin' hot cheerleaders flashin' their snatches, you're gonna have a fight or two.  What you wanna avoid is an all-out brawl, cause more than a coupla dudes are gonna get hurt.  When there's a dispute at our gym, it's gonna get settled in the octagon.

Fightin' may not be the answer to every disagreement...but it sure feels good to mash somebody's face every now and then.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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