by Pete Puma and Butch Suede

A lot of dudes and chicks are afraid of startin' to exercise cause they're afraid of findin' out what kinda shitty shape they're really in.  Thing is, it's always worse than what you think it is.  If you're a dude, and you think you look like this:

By Pete Puma & Butch Suede

Butch and I were shootin' the shit the other day and Butch came up with the awesomest idea ever...to create the world's most kick-ass gym.  I know you're thinkin', "Oh yeah, Butch and Pete'll open some gym with all the best equipment and it'll be the same as any other gym, just a little bit better."  Think again, retards.  We put our awesome heads together to come up with a plan that'll blow every other gym out of the world and shit.  It ain't gonna be cheap though, so if you're some kinda lame-ass pencil pushin' cocksucker, you can just stop readin' right now.  This shit is off-the-hook up-scale or whatever, and you can't just hand over your pussy Discover card with your $500 credit limit, dudes.  You gotta pass an interview and "entrance" exam to get in and you gotta be mad-loaded to stay.

by Pete Puma

I was readin' a book my swami told me I had to read, somethin' about inner peas or some faggotized bullshit, and I didn't know what most of the words were.  Good thing there was this thing called a 'glossary' in the back that explained what shit like "dharma" is (besides some cunt on a shit-ass TV show).  A lot of douches write in and tell me about some shit at their gym and they wanna know if there's a name for it.  Fact is, a lot of this crap doesn't have an "official" name or whatever, so I pulled together some of that shizz, put names to it, and dumped it into this here article, dudes.

by Pete Puma

I got an e-mail from some douche just before the latest edition of Dear Pete and I was gonna answer that shit but started thinkin' that it deserved its own article or whatever.  Asshole was askin' about his personal trainer cause he was startin' to get the feelin' that the dude was lookin' for a little ass-banditry with him...but he wasn't sure.