by Pete Puma and Butch Suede

A lot of dudes and chicks are afraid of startin' to exercise cause they're afraid of findin' out what kinda shitty shape they're really in.  Thing is, it's always worse than what you think it is.  If you're a dude, and you think you look like this:

...you probably really look like this:

If you're a chick who thinks she looks like this:

...you probably look like this:

All's not lost though, dudes and bitches.  Pete and Butch are here to tell you how to start an exercise program that'll get your ass in reverse cowgirl shape before you fuckin' know it.  Not you, dudes...I couldn't really give a fuck if you look good...unless you're payin' my ass to train yours.

1. Assessment - You can probably tell from the name that this has to do with judgin' your ass.  There's no better way to tell what kinda shape somebody's in than by starin' at their ass.  I can tell how fast a chick can run a mile just by lookin' at her turd cutter...for a long time.  So, anyways, ladies, send me a pic of your pooper and I'll e-mail you back tellin' you what kinda shape you're in from a scale of 1-10.  I'll also tell you how many times I jacked my awesome cock off to your pic.

34 times today...Hopin' to beat that record tomorrow.

2. Post "Before" Pics to Twitter, Facebook & Wherever Else - I think we've already covered the fact that you don't really know shit about how bad off your ass is.  That's why you gotta show it to everybody you know.  Send out a picture of your naked, flabby, out-of-shape body so everybody can track your progress and shit.  Then promise you're gonna send more pics on the first of every month.  That way, whoever hasn't unfriended and/or unfollowed your sorry ass can tell you if you're makin' any progress or whatever.

Fuck, dude...that bitch REALLY needs to drop a few pounds.

3. "Cleanse" Your Body Regular and Shit - My swami knows his shit...so I'm just gonna let him tell it to you douches.

Dim lights Download Embed Embed this video on your site

4. Throw Out the Shit Food You've Been Eating - Sure-fire way to get out of the habit of eatin' shitty food is to throw it all out and only keep stuff that tastes like cat turd around the house.  That way, you only eat when your own hand is startin' to look appetizin' or whatever.  You'll learn to hate eatin' pretty quick.  So chuck the HoHos, Devil Dogs, Haagen Dazs and shit out.  A hot tip for only havin' shitty-tastin' food around is to buy just "gluten free" shit.

5. Join A Gym - Dudes...if you don't scope out a gym for hot-snatchy lookin' bitches, you might as well start doin' P90X and givin' throat-jobs in dark alleys.  The key for any dude to keep goin' to the gym is what I call "the stalk factor."  There's so much spank-bank material at the right gym, the only shit you're gonna wind up doin' is liftin' weights, runnin' on treadmills, and abusin' the piss out of your meat...until you get buff enough to sink it in some legit stink.  My advice to the ladies is to join a girls-only gym, unless you're the kinda awesome slut that likes rapey oglin'.

This chick's down for some oglin' fo sho.

6. Mentally Prepare Your Ass - Nobody knows more about motivatin' a brain than my swami...So, here he is again, assholes.

Dim lights Download Embed Embed this video on your site

7. Buy Workout Clothes - You dudes and bitches look pretty bad right now, cause you've been sittin' around on your asses, eatin' microwave popcorn, Oreos, and watchin' Glee or some other faggot shit.  So, don't go out and buy some lycra shit that only hotties should wear.  You dudes should get some sweatpants and a loose t-shirt or some shit.  Bitches need to wear a burka until your ass is worth slammin'.

8. Ditch Your Fatty Friends and Family - The enemy of every dude or cunt who wants to lose weight is havin' fat family and friends.  You'll eventually look at these thunder-pigs and your brain'll say somethin' to its dumbass self like,"Well, I don't look so bad compared to them."  Yeah, that might be true, but that's because most people would rather die than fuck 'em.  With you, they'd just have to have a gun to their head.

 

9. Switch Up Your Workout - Only mongoloids can do the same shit over and over and keep shit interestin'.  There's plenty of shit on the internets about different exercises to work your faggy muscles into shape.  I just wanna make sure that you babes out there don't give up on the hamstring machine...you need to do that shit EVERY DAY.

I'll have two butt-steaks and a side of vagina, please.

10. Hang A Pic of Exactly What You Wanna Look Like In the Bathroom - Ladies, find a pic of a total babe.  Dudes, find a pic of a totally huge, ripped, and awesome dude.  Hang that shit up in your bathroom.  That way, you can look at the picture, and then look at yourself...and get a good fuckin' idea of the fact that you're like a bazillion light miles away.  You'll probably never get there cause you're a huge pussy and all, but it might stop your ass from quittin' when you feel like you look "good enough."

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

---