by Pete Puma

Butch and I know this Mexican guy from The Rip House Gym and he's not a bad dude.  I mean, he talks American pretty well and shit.  He's always lookin' to our asses for advice on how to hook up with the hotties and maybe even get a steady lay or two.  Thing is, we all call his ass "Dirty Sanchez" behind his back...and it's not cause he likes to have shit smeared on his top lip with a dick...it's cause he's a total fuckin' mess to look at.  Sure, he's pretty ripped and whatever, but what the dude really needs is some groomin' tips...and it came to my awesome mind that you assholes may need some too.

1. Nose Hair - If you're a dude and you get close enough to another dude to notice that he's got some skanky nose hairs stickin' out, you're gay.  Thing is, if you're stickin' your tongue down a hottie's throat and your nose hairs start ticklin' the side of her nose, you're not gettin' your porksword anywhere near her snatch.  Trim those nose hairs, dudes.  Your nuts will thank you for it.

Note the snot on the left side...nice.

2. Crotch Hair - I used to tell you douches that I shaved my whole body, pubes and all...but I was just fuckin' with your ass.  The other day, I heard some fat, blubbery dude at the gym sayin' to some other dude (who he musta wanted to bang somethin' fierce) that shavin' your pubes makes your dick look bigger.  I got the hell outta there cause I didn't wanna feel like I was on the set of some gay porn flick or some shit, but it got me thinkin'.  I know that bein' fat makes your dick look smaller...now I know that shavin' your pubes makes it look bigger...so maybe that shit cancels out.  I dunno.  Fact is, even a porn star would shit her panties if my dick looked any bigger, so I'm gonna keep the pubes.  You can do whatever you want...just don't show it to me.

I almost always have shit to say...but not now.

3. Skid Marks - First of all, dudes: don't wear white underwear.  Second, if she's seein' the inside of your underwear, she's probably doin' your laundry and that means you've hooked her ass good and you couldn't shake that shit loose even if you wanted to.  Personally, I'd rather lay a skid mark than walk around with an itchy ass, but if you're makin' skid marks more than a couple times a month, dude, you need to spend a little more time wipin' that skanky cornhole of yours.

Dude needs to lay off the iron.

4. Cum Stains - Now, all us dudes know that if you blow a load and you don't flush the pipes with a good piss, you're gonna have a drop of jizz either hittin' your underwear or sealin' up your chink eye like superglue.  Thing is, if your chickie finds that shit in your drawers and you didn't bang her earlier that day, she's either gonna think you're some kinda OCD pole stroker or you've been cheatin' on her ass.  You can always swing the pole strokin' bit around by makin' her feel guilty that she's not servicin' your ass enough, but if she thinks you're bangin' somebody else, you're in deep poop.  The lesson here is that, after bangin' or jerkin', you gotta take a whiz before pullin' up the drawers.

I recommend takin' the underwear off first.

5. Ear Wax - I don't know about you dudes, but I get a ragin' boner when a chick works my ear with her tongue.  If you're into that shit too, you should make good friends with Q-tips and clean those ears out good.  Nothin' brings an ear-nibblin' session to a screechin' halt better than a big chunk of ear wax droppin' onto a chick's tongue.  And when the ear nibblin' gets nixed, so does the balls-deep bangin' session.

I'm hungry now.

6. Eye Snot - So, you're sittin' at an awesome restaurant like TGI Friday's or some shit and you're yammerin' away about the massive amounts of weight you pumped that day and you're wonderin' why your hottie is lookin' at you like you've got shit smeared all over your face.  The likely enemy?  Eye snot.  Clear out the corners of your eyes, dudes, or risk endin' your night with some lesbian porn and a bottle of hand lotion.

Hope this dude has a good supply of handcream.

7. Facial Hair - If you've got a mustache, you're probably gay so you haven't even gotten this far in the article.  If you've got a beard and mustache, you're probably a skanky bastard but you might still land a date with some washed-up, wrinkly-ass broad and maybe you're even lookin' to sink your junk in it...so read on.  Careful what you eat, dudes cause gettin' food caught in your greasy face muff is sure to be a turn-off to even the crustiest bitches.  Stay away from soup, pasta with sauce and...uhhhh...maybe you should just stick to drinking.  Better yet, shave that shit.  You look like a gay freak.

8. Gross Fingernails - Most babes wanna be touched and whatever before they bang a dude's ass, so it's a good idea to clean under those sleazy fingernails of yours.  I don't know about you douches, but when I see a dude with dark stuff under his nails, I assume it's shit from him scratchin' his crack...and if he's scratchin' his crack, it probably means he's not cleanin' it all that well.  And if he's scratchin' his crack cause he didn't clean that well, that means that junk under his fingernails is shit...all literals and whatever.  Most chicks don't dig shit under a dude's fingernails, and if you find one that does dig it, you'd probably like to know it before you two get all hot together.

It's called "toilet paper," dude.

Not committin' these grooming mistakes'll make your ass way more fuckable to the hotties, dude, but keep in mind that chicks want a dude who's awesome inside and out, and it takes a little more work to fake bein' awesome on the inside.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

 

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