What Manly Dudes Talk About

What Manly Dudes Talk About

by Pete Puma

Some asshole e-mailed me the other day because he's not so great at talkin' to dudes without soundin' like a panzy doucher. He was askin' me what manly dudes talk about, cause whenever he tries to have a convo with another cock owner, he starts talkin' about hand lotions, Justin Bieber, global warnings, or some other gay shit, and he's got his panties all in a ball worryin' that the other dudes at the gym are startin' to think he's into packin' dude-guts. Here's a list of some manly shit you can talk about at the gym so the other muscle dudes don't feel like they gotta rush outta the showers whenever you walk in.

This guy didn't get out in time...

1. Awesome Cars - Dudes are totally into their cars cause whorespower, turbo chargin', and awesome exhaust pipes is just about as hetero as shit gets. If you drive a minivan, Prius, or Cooper Mini, just shoot yourself in the head now. The seats in those things are designed special for dudes who have sore asses from too much butt-stabbin'.

This is just how I wash my car.

2. Injuries - Now, we're not talkin' about how you twisted your gay ankle while you were plantin' petunias in your fairy garden. Don't talk about how you hurt your ass unless it happened while you were doin' somethin' awesome, like pullin' a hammy while you were liftin' a dump truck off some totally smokin' hottie, or ass-rapin' your shoulder on your 8th rep, benchin' 600 pounds or whatever.

It hurts thiiiiiiis much.

3. Vaginas - It's a known fact that gay dudes only talk about vaginas if they're complainin' about how rank they are, or how they wish they had one. You talk about cunts like you know your way around one, and no dude in the universe is gonna accuse your ass of bein' a faggot. If Superman's super-power was bangin' dudes in the ass, pussies would be his kryptonite.

Didn't realize Superman was so much taller than Batman.

4. Gettin' Fucked Up - If you got an awesome story about how you were so plowed last weekend that you nailed a chick from behind while she was pukin' in the toilet, you got a winner, dudes. If it's more like you tongue-kissed a dude after your fourth kamikaze shot, you'd be better off keepin' that shit under your hat and whatever. Some straight dudes like to ass-rape dudes they think might be gay...and I heard it doesn't just happen in jail and submarines.

This chick has learned her lesson about pukin' into toilets.

5. Manly Movies - If you saw Twilight over the weekend, you might as well go ahead and reserve your bar stool at The Man Hole. If you're gonna talk movies, make sure they're manly ones, like "300" or "Wolverine" or "Top Gun"...cause those are totally awesome and definitely not gay.

Nothin's manlier than a good, firm stabbin'.

6. Straight Porn - Totally straight dudes love talkin' about porn all loud in public and shit, especially at the gym. Nothin' says straight like gettin' all excited about some chick goin' ass-to-mouth like a champ...or bukkake. Hot tip: use phrases like "Oh, yeah, dude, she took ALL of that dude...and man, he was hung like a Prince Charles's donkey." Make sure you say that shiz LOUD too, and stay away from shit like, "Dude, that sounds awesome! We should totally watch some porn together this weekend!"

7. Eatin' Meat - While gay dudes are into goat cheese and beet salads, straight dudes are totally into big hunks of rare meat, all juicy and red in the middle. If you had a kickass steak the night before, that's awesome "straight dude" convo material. Make sure you talk all about how that shit melted in your mouth and whatever...and if you had some really rank farts after it, throw that in too...manly dudes love talkin' about farts.

If there's a more hetero way to eat a hot dog, I don't wanna know what it is.

8. Talk about "how totally gay" shit is - The only time it's cool for straight dudes to talk about gay shit is if they're totally talkin' about how un-awesome it is...like "Did you see that infomercial about P90X last night? I watched the whole thing and it was so totally gay that I watched it again." A manly dude callin' somethin' "totally gay" is like a dyke sayin' somethin' "tastes like jizz."

You, too, can go from bi-curious to flaming homo in just 30 days.

9. Kickass Music - Every awesome, pussy-poundin' dude knows that music has gone all sissy on us. That's why cool, straight dudes are all old school and shit. When you're talkin' about awesome music, throw in names like Judas Priest, Man O War, Queensryche, and Twisted Sister. Nothin' gets the testosterone flowin' like "Turbo Lover" playin' full blast.

Only a few seconds after this pic was taken, Rob Halford deep-throated that mic...in a totally straight way though.

10. To The Chest - Duh...only the manliest, straightest web site there is, you pussies.