by Pete Puma and Butch Suede

Everybody's gotta die, dudes, but some people think you always live on in other people's mammaries...that sounds pretty cool to me.  Here're some ways you probably don't want to kick though...cause you'll be a gay dude in those mammaries or whatever.

1. Dyin' During a Colonscopy - Y'know when two dudes go to rob some faggot and one of 'em winds up killin' the dude and the cops catch 'em?  Y'know what happens to the dude who didn't actually do the killin'?  Same shit as the guy who did it, motherfucker, cause he was perpetratin'' illegal crap or whatever.  And that's just like dyin' while some doctor's shovin' a camera up your shit chute, dudes.  Only a faggot would agree to that shiz, and that's what makes it such a gay way to die.

2. Fart Poisoning In a Scissor Lock While Wrestling - Any dude who wants to roll around on a nice, soft mat with other dudes while they're wearin' like 1920's swimsuits or some shit is gonna get the fag stare from this stud.  And if the other dude gets your face between his legs, that means you're losin', and that means you're gettin' beat up by a homo.  And if he gases you to death while he's doin' it, that makes it a super-über-fag way to die.  In fact, any time a dude dies with his face real close to another dude's asshole, it's a gay way to go, no exceptions.

3. Heat Exhaustion in a Steam Room - Only homos go to steam rooms, and if you die cause it's too hot for your wussy ass, you've gone the extra mile to die in a ultra-gay way.  End of story.

4. Anything To Do With a Prius - Every dude knows that the Prius is the gayest car on the planet, except maybe for a Smart Car, but at least the Smart Car doesn't need some homo batteries to make it up to 60 in a minute and a half.  Doesn't matter if you die while drivin' it, get hit by it, or get one dropped on your mullety head by a fuckin' Transformer; you've died like a real fag.

Well, at least that's one less fag-mobile on the road.

5. Choking To Death on a Banana While Eatin' Ambrosia Salad - Probably gonna come as a surprise to you cunts, but I'm not too big on salads or whatever.  Thing is, ambrosia salad isn't even a fuckin' salad, cause it's got like butt-pirate marshmallows and the gayest of all fruits: the banana.  No straight dude would ever get caught eatin' that shit.

Eatin' ambrosia salad will grow a dude a vagina...just like P90X.

6. Being Killed By a Gay Serial Killer - As a dude, gettin' offed by a serial killer probably wouldn't be a bad way to go as far as bitin' the dust in a faggy way.  Thing is, straight serial killers usually just kill chicks.  Any dude who gets offed by a serial killer is probably gonna wind up with a rump-rangin' one, gettin' it up the butt one way or another, either before or after he kicks, and that's no way for a dude to look even a little bit straight in his obit.

If you're lucky, you'll wind up buried in some dude's basement and nobody'll ever find out what happened to your ass-raped corpse.

7. Choking To Death on Your Own Puke, and It's Mostly Jizz - Some awesome dudes have died while chokin' on their own puke...like Jimi Hendrix.  Thing is, if that puke's got a whole buncha jizz in it, everybody's gonna know you died like a homo.

This dude's gonna hafta live down pukin' jizz, I think.

8. Getting Ass-Fucked To Death By a Unicorn - Horses are pretty cool cause they've got big dongs and they can kick you to death in like a second and half.  But put a single horn on that horse's head and you've got the gayest animal on the fuckin' planet.  Gotta hand it to unicorns though...they must be pretty hard to catch, cause I've never seen 'em on a farm or in a zoo or whatever...probably cause no dudes wanna get close to 'em, they're so faggy.  Anyways, if you get killed by a unicorn, you might as well've gotten your ass kicked by a gerbil.

9. Killed In a Fight With a Transvestite - Ever seen Ru Paul fight?  Me neither...but if he did, I guarantee he'd fight like a fuckin' girl.  Fact is, the only reason some chicks can beat up dudes is that the dudes are usually afraid to hit 'em and wind up lookin' like cunts or whatever.  Thing is, transvestites got dongs, so we're totally free to swing away if they ever try pickin' a fight with our muscly asses.

10. Coxsackie

Keep on pumpin', dudes.