by Pete Puma

There's a new dude at The Rip House these days.  Turns out, this dude, who goes by"Chief Salmon Fingers," is from some place called the mid-west or some shit.  Now, the only fuckers we know from the mid-west are like humungous blobs of blubbery diarrhea who think that sittin' their lard-asses down on a big couch and eatin' Cheetos all day is bein' "into sports" or some shit.  Not this dude though.  Chief Salmon Fingers is like a huge fuckin' monadnock.  This asshole could beat the livin' shit outta a bear or whatever.

That's a monadnock, you ignant fuck-faces.

Chief Salmon Fingers intro'd Butch and me to this idea that everybody has some kinda "spirit animal" in 'em or whatever...and I'm not talkin' about gettin' ass-fucked by a ghost-horse or some weird shit like that.  It's more like some animal took over a part of us and is livin' in there like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Alien or whatever.  Fuck, I dunno.  Anyways, Butch and I were sittin' around between workouts, talkin' about celebrities and what we thought their spirit animals would be...and here's what our awesome brains came up with:

1. Rosie O'Donnell - Manatee - Well, we knew it had to be all shapeless and disgustin' and ugly and annoyin', so it had to be a manatee, we guessed.  Did you know that manatees can ruin a totally awesome day of speed-boatin' by gettin' right in the fuckin' way of your prop engine.  What cunts.

2. John Mayer - Seahorse - There aren't a whole lotta dudes gayer than John Mayer...and I got word from @DJSLEAZY that the gayest animal on the whole fuckin' planet is the seahorse.  Did you know that those shits let their bitches convince 'em to carry their babies around for 'em until they hatch?  What a bunch of fuckin' fairies.

3. O.J. Simpson - Chimpanzee - Listen, you racist fuck-faces: Chimps kill each other...it's a known fact...and, judgin' from the pic below, they obviously like whackin' each other in the neck with swords and shit.

4. Chas Bono - Common Reed Frog - Our boss, Dick Morehead, told us that common reed frogs can change from bitches to dudes if they think there aren't enough dudes around.  It's pretty fucked up that they can grow cocks when they feel like it, but it's even more fucked up that they ever think there're too many dudes around.

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Rabbit - Rabbits'll fuck anything...even if it's a dog that's so ugly it'll make you puke just lookin' at it.

 

Yeah...He tagged THAT...and I guess he made the ugly fuckin' kid with the demon eyes too.

6. David Hasselhoff - Vervet Monkey - These monkeys are a buncha drunk fuckin' bastards...and they also seem like douchey losers too.  They're not real popular in Germany though, so they're not exactly the same.

7. Ryan Seacrest - Pudu - A deer is a pretty faggy animal.  A mini deer takes that shit to a whole other level.  An American Idol host is a pretty faggy job.  A mini American Idol host takes that shit to a whole other level.

8. Steven Seagal - Hippopotamus - Hippos may look all harmless and blubbery and ugly, like Grimace from McDonalds or some shit...but they fuck dudes up like all the fuckin' time.  They also go all cannibal on dead hippos when they're hungry and shit.  I don't know if Steven Seagal does that though.

9. Larry King - Tortoise - You know when you've had a pet for a really long fuckin' time, and you're totally tired of it, but it's not showin' any signs of dyin' and you start thinkin' about just killing the motherfucker cause you're not sure if it'll ever kick the bucket?  Tortoises live like 150 years.  Larry King will be 351 this month.

10. Michael Bolton - Rooster - Honest to god, I never thought there was anything worse than listenin' to Michael Bolton...until I came across these two nuggets of shit.

 

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