by Pete Puma (and John Tesh)

There're two kinds of faggots in this world, douches: homo-faggots and hetero-faggots.  Homo-faggots are the dudes who like to bang other dudes.  And, y'know, I'm cool with them cause they're fuckin' hilarious.  But the other kind, the hetero-faggot, is the dude who's supposedly into chicks, but is such a namby-pamby bitch that he gives all us righteous, manly dudes a bad name.  They make shit hard on us, and that's why we need to call these cunts out.  The supreme king of all hetero-faggots, in case you haven't already guessed, is John Tesh.

He's the hetero-faggot that all other hetero-faggots follow to learn all there is to know about bein' the best faggots they can be.  In case you don't know who John Tesh is, he hosted the most faggotized show on TV, Entertainment Tonight, for 10 fuckin' years.  Now, he's a part-time "musician," part-time Jesus-freak, part-time radio show host, part-time blogger, part-time author, and full-time queer.

I was lucky enough to come across one of his totally gay blog articles called "The Top Qualities of a Good Woman" today.  There's nothin' right about this piece of crap he calls an article, but the wrongest thing about it is that it's written totally in hetero-faggot language...and that's gonna make it hard for most of you douches to follow.  Don't feel bad though.  It's not that you're fucktards (even though you probably are)...it's that you haven't hung around other hetero-faggots, like my boss, Dick Morehead, long enough to learn their fucked-up language.  So, I'm gonna translate the shit for ya...right here...right now...cause I'm awesome.

•A good woman freaks you out with her intelligence.   Women have the uncanny ability to cut through the fogginess of an issue and come up with a brilliant perspective. The upside for guys is that the more you hang around smart women, like my wife, the more brainy you become.

My wife is just smart enough to smell my bullshit from a mile away, even when I start believin' it myself.  She'd divorce my ass if I wasn't makin' so much money and she wasn't a washed-up has-been actress.  The longer I'm married, the better I get at hidin' the fact that I'd rather bang just about anybody but her.

•A good woman in the eyes of her husband is drop dead gorgeous. With such a beautiful woman on your arm, you cannot help but keep your eyes on her.  There's nothing wrong with having a wife or girlfriend who's such a knock out that you often have to pinch yourself because you're so fortunate.

If I close my eyes, I can pretend my wife's not a tired old hag.  When I'm oglin' some hot chick's ass, I usually take a peek at my wife to make sure she doesn't know what I'm doin'.  I'm a huge, gapin' pussy, and I'm afraid of her because she can kick the shit out of me without even tryin' hard.  She's lookin' over my shoulder, readin' this shit right now so I have to tell you douchtards that she's hot.  She hates sex with me.

My wife wears granny-panties too but they don't look anywhere near this good on her.

•A good woman is kind and compassionate to others. Though she's wise enough to see the mistakes people make that mess up their lives, a woman can still demonstrate compassion.  This causes the man to live in a world where he's got to do the right thing.  When my wife gets an idea of how we can help others, it may be the last thing I want to do at that moment. Yet once I'm on the scene in a convalescent home, it's an experience I'll never forget.

My wife is a total fuckin' snob who treats everyone like they're retarded and shit.  I can't wipe my own ass without that cunt givin' me a look like I'm the stupidest douche on the planet.  My wife makes me go to all sorts of dumb-ass places I couldn't give a shit about.  All I really wanna do is bang random sluts.

Hmmm...This...or bangin' sluts...tough one.

•A good woman has a sense of humor that takes you by surprise. To truly hear your wife's humorous side, you've got to listen. If you're reading the newspaper or checking out Monday Night Football, you'll miss out on some very funny things your wife may say.

When my wife makes a joke, I like to remind myself of somethin' that's actually funny so I can pretend to laugh at what she said.  I like Sarah Jessica Parker jokes best cause she's hot and I'm too scared to bang an actual horse.

Sarah actually looks pretty good here.

•A good woman is a great listener. Women make great counselors  since they listen intently when someone speaks to them.  At the same time, a woman should exercise the freedom to be honest with the person she's listening to.  She can use her abilities to be an encourager as well as to empower others to do what they want to do in life.

My wife thinks just about everything I say or do is totally wrong and isn't shy about tellin' me how dumb an asshole I am.  If it wasn't for her, I'd never have the energy to grudge fuck every bitch I can get my teeny dick in.

•A good woman is a hard worker.  I know men work hard.  However, there are so many women across America who work hard all day and come home at night to a messy house and no dinner.  At times you have to force a woman to relax.  Take the mop out of her hand and start mopping the floor, guys.

I have a maid...and she's hot...and I totally wanna fuck her but she thinks I'm a total douche nozzle.  I can't fire her because she has pics of me in women's clothes.

Well...not THIS hot...

•A good woman will share your spiritual values. You should check out any potential mate to make sure she's on the same spiritual page.  There should exist a divine spark between the two of you.  You sense that God brought you together, you enjoy praying with one another and reading the Scriptures is not a chore or a duty, but a joy.

I pretend I'm religious cause it really brings in the cash from bible-thumpin' retards who're too stupid to realize I have as much talent as a wet turd.

"Please let this be over quickly. Amen"

•A good woman has a balance of power.  She knows the power of her intelligence and does not use it to intimidate others but to share with others.  She allows the man to have his power as well. Men want to be a woman's hero.  That desire should not be squashed by a woman with a greater intellect and power, but encouraged and affirmed.

My wife is way smarter than I am and she totally makes sure I know it every fuckin' minute.  Sometimes she lets me sniff her skanky twat and I have to pretend she's doin' me a favor.

•A good woman always chooses a good man.  She is looking for someone who is honest and has integrity.  She wants to be with a man who will stay with her in both good and bad times. You don't want to be with a man who bolts once conflict arises.  You should also agree on many issues, one of them being money.  Savers should think twice before connecting with a wild spender.

If I divorce my wife, she'll take half of everything I own and write a book about how much of a perverted faggot I am.

"No...not deep enough!"

Keep on pumpin', dudes.

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