by Pete Puma and Butch Suede
Illustratory by Pete
Dudes...May 11 is our Uncle Otto's birthday (click here to read a little more about how awesome he was). Fucker died back in 2010 or whatever but, with his birthday comin' up, I started to think about the old bastard, and got a little nostalgiacated about it. So, anyways, here's a fairy tale he used to tell Butch and me when we were goin' to bed, just before he'd head out to snag some major poonage:
A long fuckin' time ago, there was a rich and powerful king named Otto. He lived in the biggest, most kickass castle in the whole world. Nobody ever messed with his shit either cause he was a total badass who didn't think twice about beheadin' any cunt who pissed him off.
He was a lonely bastard, though...didn't get a whole lotta play cause his hot wife spent all her time in the horse stables "takin' care" of the male Clydesdales...who were, like, totally into her too, if you know what I'm sayin'.
The only company King Otto had were his two idiot sons named Pete and Butch. They had big, bulgin' muscles, and could toss a midget farther than anyone in the kingdom, but Otto always said that both their brains together wouldn'ta been as smart as a retarded milk-goat. Didn't keep 'em from findin' more than their share of peasant poon though.
One day, King Otto, who was havin' a bad fuckin' day and was fed up with his stupid sons, sent them out into the woods to look for unicorn horns. He told 'em that they shouldn't come back until they had at least ten. Unicorn horns were super-rare, but the princes went out, totally pumped about the idea of makin' their father proud of 'em for once.
The two princes, knowin' how hard-as-shit their job was gonna be, stopped by their friend's house to get him to help. This friend, Sir Duncan Manwood, was a nice guy, but little effeminine or whatever. They were surprised to find him at home, since he spent most of his days hangin' around the town inn, chattin' up any lonely knights who might be lookin' for some company. Duncan agreed to help 'em as long as he could keep any cock-shaped rocks they found.
So Prince Pete, Prince Butch, and Sir Duncan Manwood headed into the woods in search of unicorn horns. They didn't know it, but an evil witch named Rosie was followin' them, listenin' to their convo. Rosie was a fat, ugly, lesbo witch with a body like a pregnant sow, the face of mongoloid sloth, and the brain of a cunt-punchin' badger.
Now, everybody in the kingdom knew that Rosie The Witch hated King Otto because, a long time before Otto became king, when the two of 'em were just kids, Otto caught Rosie lickin' a llama's cootch and he told the whole fuckin' town about it. After that, Rosie was like an outcast or whatever, and everybody started callin' her the "Llama Lickin' Lesbo." She never lived that shit down, and wound up wanderin' off into the woods and never comin' back.
Rosie never forgot about what Otto did though, and promised she was gonna get revenge on him one day. She decided the best way to do that would be to learn how to become a witch and cast evil spells, and that's all she did, day and night...well, that and collect unicorn horns, since she loved how they were so long, thick, hard and whatever. She even had the horn of the King Of All Unicorns, a giant, flying unicorn that all the other unicorns listen to and shit. Most unicorns can't fly...but the King of All Unicorns can...just like a queen ant or whatever.
So, anyways, as Pete, Butch, and Duncan were wanderin' through the woods lookin' for unicorn horns and cock-shaped rocks, Rosie cast a spell and made her whole collection of unicorn horns appear in a pile in front of the three dudes. Right on top of the pile was the longest, hardest, sparkliest one: The horn of The King Of All Unicorns. They couldn't believe their eyes. Pete and Butch were totally pumped that they were actually gonna get to make King Otto proud of them by bringin' home a whole shitload of horns.
Thing is, Rosie had placed an evil spell on that one super-awesome horn. It said that should the manliest person in the kingdom touch it, the King of All Unicorns would magically appear, take his horn back and punish the shit out of whoever was holding it. Now, if you know anything about unicorns, it's that their brand of revenge is sticking their horn up your ass and running all over the fuckin' place while you're screamin' your head off...for fucking EVER. It's called "unicorn-holing" and it's supposed to be wicked-painful.
Well, Sir Duncan Manwood was totally droolin' over that big ol' horn. After a few minutes, he couldn't take it anymore. He ran up, grabbed the horn, and started haulin' ass through the woods. That's when Rosie the Witch caught up with his faggoty ass and snatched the horn from his hands.
What Rosie didn't realize was that SHE was actually the manliest person in the kingdom and so, The King of All Unicorns appeared to exact his revenge for his stolen horn. He grabbed that horn, slapped it on his forehead and, with one swoop of his neck, jammed the thing up Rosie the Witch's turd cutter. Then he flew off into the sky and disappeared with Rosie screamin' like a banshee the whole way.
And that is why, on a clear night, when you look up to the sky, you can sometimes see a silhouette of The King Of All Unicorns flying in front of the moon with the evil witch Rosie, impaled by the ass on his great, gleaming horn.
As for Pete and Butch, they grabbed up all of the horns and brought them back to King Otto, who still talks about that day as the only day that he wasn't totally embarrassed to have them as sons.
Keep on pumpin', dudes.
Last Updated ( Friday, 04 May 2012 07:03 )