by Pete Puma & Butch Suede
Butch and I were talkin' the other day about how pussified most superheroes are, and we were like,"We could totally create some awesome superheroes that'd kick the living shit outta every other superhero out there." Spiderman? Pussy. Wolverine? Come the fuck on. The Green Lantern? Our superheroes could ass-rape that pussy without even workin' hard. Sit back, relax, and read about some totally awesome superheroes right the fuck here:
1. The Black Hole
Super-Power: This dude's semi-retarded but he's got an awesome atomic kernel of corn with super-massive gravity in his ass. He can suck just about anything into his butt just by openin' up his legs and pointin' his asshole at it. How much he opens his sphincter controls what he pulls into it.
Origin: At a family reunion, The Black Hole was eatin' some corn. When he went to wash it down, he reached for what he thought was just a regular can of kickass Pabst Blue Ribbon. It ended up bein' a can of fuckin' radioactive toxic waste! That shit totally turned the dial on that corn to SUPER AWESOME!
Mission: Homey wants revenge on everybody who's smarter than he is...which is like, everybody, dude.
2. Baltok the Magnificent
Super-Power: Baltok can shoot his super protein shot semen 50 yards into people's mouths. Anybody who swallows gets super-human strength for five or ten minutes, dependin' on how eager they are about drinkin' it and whatever. Dude magically appears when somebody's gettin' beat up, needs to pull a flipped car off a hottie, or somethin' like that. Sometimes he just shows up while somebody's readin' To The Chest. His awesome tagline is "OPEN WIDE!"
Origin: When Baltok was like 13 years old, some aliens abducted his ass. Up in their spaceship, he got tea-bagged by one of the aliens by mistake in a V.c.e. (VERY close encounter). Ever since then, his nuts've been producin' the most kickass cum in the universe and shit.
Mission: Baltok wants everybody to experience bein' huge, ripped, and awesome; even if it's just for a few minutes at a time. Don't fuck with his girlfriend, by the way, dudes. She loves gobblin' up Baltok's jizz.
3. Cuntasia
Super-Power: Cuntasia shoots super-sonic, rancid queefs out her twat, and totally stuns her targets for like three days so all they can do is drool and dream that they're workin' on a shipwrecked tuna-fishin' boat. An army of mutant cats follows her around to do some of her bidding and shit. She's got supercalifragilisticexpialidocious night vision.
Origin: She was helpin' to clean up after the Chernobyl nuclear (pronounced nuke-you-ler) disaster of 1986, and accidentally used a douche she found in a radioactive bodega. Now, she's pretty much always on the rag.
Mission: Cuntasia is like a total fanatic about gettin' oral and she shows up wherever there's a dude who's refusin' to rug-munch. Her night vision gives her perfect aim, dudes, so watch the fuck out.
4. Swami Swampgas
Super-Power: Besides his ultra-smelly laser vision, Swami Swampgas has super-long, super-strong nose hairs that come boltin' the fuck out of his nostrils to wrap around bad dudes. He can either squeeze the fuckers so hard their eyes pop out or he can just hold 'em until the cops get there to shove nightsticks up asses. His powers are even stronger when he has a bad head cold or allergies. He's a big fan of hot, naked yoga.
Origin: Accidentally huffed contaminated, radioactive glue while backpacking with his hippie friends through a toxic waste dump in the city of Stinkii Choochi, India.
Mission: To try every position in the Kama Sutra. Nobody knows why he has to catch bad guys to do it, but what the fuck?
5. Sharticus
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Super-Power: Dude's a shape-shifter who can disguise his ass as any form of shit; goose shit, dog shit, shit puddle, smear, whatever, and he's part of a super-secret anti-terrorism task force in the USA government. He spies on terrorists who are so used to the smell of shit (from livin' in the Middle East or whatever) that they hardly ever notice when he's around. He can make people throw up by appearin' in their mouths all of a sudden and he can give huge bunches of people diseases by swimmin' around in their food.
Origin: He slipped on a banana peel while he was mannin' a glory hole inside the Three Mile Island nuclear (pronounced nuke-you-ler) plant, and dunked his head in a toilet bowl filled with radioactive poop.
Mission: Sharticus doesn't give a shit (see what I did there?) about riddin' the world of terrorists. He just wants to swap every burka for a bikini and personally hot wax every terrorist in the world...cause he's a little bit gay, but not totally.
Last Updated ( Wednesday, 18 August 2010 05:54 )
