The Early Signs of Alzheimer's Disease

The Early Signs of Alzheimer's Disease

By Butch Suede and Pete Puma

You assholes might remember our poor, awesome Uncle Otto, who kicked the bucket back in January. Well, dude had a sister we just found out about...a sister who, as it turns out, is as old and worn out as the fuckin' missionary position. The other day, two fire dudes came into The Rip House lookin' for Dick Morehead, Uncle Otto's sissy-boy bastard son.

"Mr. Morehead, do you have an aunt named Gertrude who lives over on Hollandaise Drive?" Well, Dick knew about her, sorta, I guess. Course, I was standin' right there when the fire dude was chattin' up Dickie-boy. Well, it seems like this old bitch has been stirrin' up some shit cause she's got some fucked-up disease Dickie keeps callin' "Alzheimer's." I looked that shiz up on the internets just to make sure I couldn't catch it from bangin' sluts, and found out that it's just another word for old fucks turnin' retarded.

Fire dude was tellin' Dickie that Gertrude's been callin' the fire department like twenty times a day ramblin' on some shit about her "rancid cunt" bein' "on fire." Those dudes did a little more investigatin' and found out she's also been sendin' dildos to some convent in Minneapolis or some shit, and flashin' her "pendulous" (saggy and fuckin' disgustin') titties at the neighborhood kids.

Dick told the fire dude that he'd take care of that shit. Thing is, as soon as he left, Dick turns his ass to me and says that Butch and I gotta take care of this bitch if we wanna keep our jobs and whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude. And he's like, fuck dude, do it, I'm fuckin' serious. So, Butch and I didn't have a choice about it or whatever.

Butch and I decided we had to get a handle on the situation, dudes, so we take a coupla "security" cameras we'd been usin' in The Rip House's chicks' locker room, went to Gertrude's house, and installed 'em all over the place. She let us in cause Butch told her ass we were installin' ghost detectors or some shit for a TV show called "Ghost Rapers."

Fightin' crime at the Rip House, dudes...just fightin' crime.

About a week later, we go and look at some of the crap the camera recorded and holy shit, dudes...Crazy bitch has a cat, right? Names somethin' like Sir Richard Simmons or some gay shit, right? She takes a monster dump in the poor pussy's litter box, dudes!...It was fuckin' gross....but not near as gross as watchin' her rub one out while she was watchin' The 700 Club.

We coulda looked the other way, douches, except for the last thing the camera caught...Crazy Gert lickin' Sir Richard Simmons's butt-hole clean. We just couldn't let that shit go. That's when we decided we needed to move her batshit ass into The Rip House so we could keep a closer eye or whatever.

You dudes worried about this shiz yet? You should be. Here're some of the signs that you're comin' down with a scorchin' case of Alzheimer's. If you have 2 or more of these, you should shotgun your head off your neck now, dudes...cause the shit's not gonna get any better.

- Forgettin' Shit