by Pete Puma

Dear Pete: My doctor tells me I need more potassium and that I should start eating bananas.  What's the best way to eat them? - The Banana Bandit

Listen, Bandit: Dunno if you're a dude or a bitch.  If you're a bitch, I'll just give you two tips: no teeth and practice makes perfect.  If you're a dude, the answer's a little more complicated.  In private, you can eat the fuckin' thing however you want, but if you make it an opportunity to work on the old gag reflex, you're gonna have to live with that shit.  When I wanna eat a banana in public, especially around dudes, I peel the thing real manly, hack the top inch or so off, and smash the whole thing with my fucking fist.  Then I eat it off the table like a fuckin' dog.

This chick hates dicks almost as much as I do.

Dear Pete: Is it wrong to go to the gym just to leer at the local rugby team who train there (some are much younger than me)? - Scrumhound

Listen, Skank: Nah, it's not wrong...as long as you're intendin' to follow that shit up with some honest to goodness fuckin'.  If you're a cougar type, you probably got a coupla things to teach those dudes, like that not every bitch is too good to give a rusty trombone.  If you're just some old skank who looks like she's seen more cock than Frank Perdue, buy a new vibrator and save yourself some embarrassment.  Remember: a young stud is every bitch's dream-fuck.  The only reason old dudes ever get laid is because most chicks are gold-diggin' whores.

Love is a beautiful thing.

Dear Pete: I'm an Asian dude who doesn't really like Asian women because of their flat faces and asses.  Thing is, I think most white babes won't date me because they assume I have a small dick. But I have a bigger dick than most of my white buddies! - Hung Lo

Listen, Hung: It's not a fair contest if you're hard and they're not.

Well...it's not fat...

Dear Pete: I'm a super-buff dude who's been spendin' a bunch of time at the Jersey Shore this summer and I haven't been having much luck with the girls.  Do you have any wardrobe tips for me so I can start baggin' the hotties like you and Butch? - Swingin' and Missin'

Listen, Swingin': Yeah, douche...it's easy.  I'll just give your ass a coupla fashion tips and you'll be swimmin' in moist holes before ya know it.  First, spend at least a thousand bucks on the gayest Italian loafers your slimy, fucktard ass can find.  Some nice dress pants are a good addition...make sure they're good and snug around that hole you're always shovin' dicks in.  Top the whole thing off with a skin-tight tank top and you're off to the races.  Remember: always wear a condom.  Dudes' asses can be murder on the porksword...or so I've heard.

Dear Pete: Do you think you'll ever settle down and start a family? - Mom in Minnesota

Listen, Mom: Well, I'm pretty sure I gots a coupla kids runnin' around but settle down?  Come on, bitch.  Kids are cunts, wives are a drag, my married friends have all turned into raging pussies. And to top it all off, there's no fuckin' way I want any bitch expectin' me to bang just her all the way until we get divorced.  Know how many dude lions are in a pride?  Right, one.  Know how many bitches?  A shitload.  Nature: 1, Marriage: 0.

"After we're done here, I'm gonna fuck your sister...Then I'm gonna fuck your best friend, then your mom..."

Dear Pete: Do you like vaginas that are clean-shaven, well-groomed, or downright bushy? - Wondering Wanda

Listen, Wanda: I like ones that're between a hottie's legs, aren't gushin' blood, and are tighter than a warm bucket of water.

I don't like surprises in my warm buckets of water.

Keep on pumpin', dudes.